I was planning on using this in my project.
I thought five minutes was incredibly early, but we still had to stand in the back. Well, I sat against the wall, my legs tucked in sort of an awkward half-Indian style as to preserve some sense of dignity in my skirt while keeping the aisle unobstructed. The seats were taken up by the 2,300 other high school students tapping the toes of their western-business appropriate shoes and fidgeting with the buttons on their borrowed blazers and suit-coats. Everyone’s chest (except for my friend who staunchly defended that her outfit was “not a nametag wearing” one) was emblazoned with a laminated card declaring their name and school, and the country and committee they would be representing. Eyes darted around the room, scoping out competition. And the opposite sex. Ok, so, mostly the opposite sex. And it was disappointing.
A full pitcher of water sat in front of each of the eight people behind the dark brown dais. It seemed like a waste. My feet hurt already and it was the first hour of three whole days in heels. I poked my standing, non-nametagged friend and asked her for the time. They were late in starting.
Alright, so I like the relaxed tone of the author, and the way that you're observing the people and the surroundings more than the actual conference itself. The fact that you're worrried about wearing heels for three days or "scoping out the opposite sex" are fun ways to see who you are.
ReplyDeleteLittle things that I found, I knew it was Emily all along, but other people won't. So I would name her earlier. Also you said that the speaker was talking about U of Chicago, you say you were accepted, and then kind of randomly talk about the chandeliers. I would put that room description in the beginning, it seemed abrupt to talk about the room where you have it.
Since it's a part of a bigger piece, I'm waiting to see where the last paragraph leads because you talk about not knowing who the speaker is and not really knowing what they're talking about, but then that last paragraph is very specific. So I would just say that if there's more to come, I'd like to see how it fits. Overall though I like your idea of the conference vs. a generic overview.
I don't have any particular issues with this piece; however, it doesn't really seem to accomplish much. I hope that the rest of the piece will develop into something with more of a direction to it. Your use of language doesn't cause any problems, but there's nothing particularly remarkable about it either. I like the slightly judgmental voice of the narrator and the way you describe the room and the speakers. I feel like you could commit a little more to one or the other-- elaborate on the description of the room a little more. All I know after reading this is that there's chandeliers and it's shaped like a T. As the beginning of a longer piece, it might be a good place to focus more on scene.
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