-The tenses are kind of all over the place. I'm not sure if some parts should be in present or past tense...
-I want to start more in the present time then go to the past and have some flash backs but I am not sure whether or not they're in the order that makes the most sense/is the most effective. Advice?...
This past summer I go to Bridget’s graduation party. Her father was a child of twelve, so relatives are completely scattered throughout her lawn that lies beneath the cheap tent that’s set up. Conversations between Bridget and I usually consist of her telling me that we should hang out soon—but we never do. Or one of us will say, “we should hang out in the summer every day and play outside like we used to”—but it never happens. After a few months after Kevin’s death, my dad didn’t want my sister and I calling her constantly anymore to play. He figured it was silly for us to always invite her over when she was only inviting her other friends—ones who don’t remind her or her mother of the years her brother was sick, to her house. Bridget glides out of her back door into her deep green lawn, wearing a bright yellow dress. She politely greets my family and proceeds to find her friends from school.
From behind me I hear a squeal: “Sweetheart! You look beautiful!”
Mrs. Neff greets me with a hug and wide smile. A few of Bridget’s aunts are clumped around her.
“This is [author], Bridget’s friend.” She rests her hand on my back, tilts her head towards mind. The edges of her eyes wrinkle upwards and she gives me a gentle expression. “They grew up together.”
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This piece does a great job of conveying a friendship and how it was lost. I liked the beginning and how the flashback structure was sort of worked into the piece, but I think the piece would be a lot stronger if you based everything on flashbacks. Your present could be either in your room with the journals or at the graduation party, or both. This would give us more context and it would give you an opportunity to have a more reflective personal voice.
ReplyDeleteThe ending as it is now is a little rushed, because it's sort of an all of the sudden, "we're not friends anymore." I want to know more about that, and I think having a thread of the present woven into the story would help a lot with this particularly. But I do love the last line because it says so much while actually saying very little. It's really perfect.
I think if you go with the organization of flashbacks it will make the tenses make more sense too, as well as giving more context to the various scenes. You have brilliant moments with Kevin and with Bridget, but there seems to be something lost in the connection. I think you go from third grade to fifth grade and then back to fourth grade, and then Kevin's dead. I get the story still, but it would make more sense if it were in some sort of order.
As I said, you have some great moments from past memories. I think my favorite is when you talk about how you were horrified because Kevin said "shut up." Your overall voice is so natural that it's already easy to connect, but more small comments like this would make the connection stronger.
I think you have a lot of good things going on in this story but I think it could flow a little better. The beginning was hard to grasp and I think you could cut it down a little bit, especially the second paragraph. I liked all of the moments with her brother in the beginning, but you could make the part with the lemonade stand more clear, or possibly just take it out. But I think the last half and your ending especially is really great.
ReplyDeleteI really like this piece. I think that you can get rid of some of the stuff at the beginning and focus it more directly on Kevin. I think that even if you focus it more on Kevin you can still emphasize your friendship with Bridget.
ReplyDeleteThe piece to me just seems to turn to being about Kevin out of no where. I feel like it would be more powerful if it focused more on Kevin because then his death would be more of a surprise and give a more powerful emotion to the reader.
The story begins very well, but as you noted above, I think that the tenses need some work. When you start of paragraphs as if things are in the past, like "This past summer I go to Bridget's graduation party..." and then continue in the present tense, it throws it off a little and distracts from the actual story. I think it would be more affective, at least within each paragraph, to stick to one tense. Other than that, it's a good story that I think many can relate to, good work.
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