Monday, February 1, 2010
Up Up and Away (Jessie Eric TJ Lauren)
Still, it was too late, I shouldn’t have left. It doesn’t matter. In my glass and metal box I am invincible. Untouchable. Careening down the road, I am safe. Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, you’re guiltless and free. I am not. If I had an axis, it would be straight up and down. Predictable. But I do like that song. Maybe I’ll listen to it next. Shit, what’s it called? The road disappears as I near the top of a hill. The day’s mid-July heat is long gone and a spectral mist hovers above the street.
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Motorcycle Drive By. TEB is my childhood.
ReplyDeleteI like this essay, partially because I can relate to it on so many levels. I love driving at night, I was always the last camper picked up (sometimes by four hours or so) from my summer camp, and I used to play tennis but quit in high school. Odd how that worked out.
Anyways, I like this piece. It's nicely written and the short sentences really help to get the state of mind of the narrator across-- slightly scattered, thinking random thoughts. The way you randomly interject current thoughts in the middle of the long flashback is confusing at first, but it makes sense with the stream-of-consciousness kind of thing. I really like how it ends. "I am halfway across the state and I have not moved." That's a really awesome line.
What I don't get is the Kid Cudi song. I mean, I get that it's supposed to be playing in the background while the narrator is thinking (right?) but I really don't see what it contributes.
First it's Crusty not Rusty. I love the piece though. I love the thoughts interjected with things like "nice turn signal jackass" that bring you back to the actual drive. The details like skipping to a song you like and the anticipation of getting home are all very relatable things.
ReplyDeleteI do think some of the paragraph could be broken up. I know that it's a stream of ideas but things like thinking about the boy or playing at Hillbrook are good ideas that you might want to elaborate on. You could maybe have a consistent placement of the descriptions of your drive and then follow it with a paragraph of an idea. Just a thought, some sort of organization might help the reader soak the thoughts in a bit more. I also don't know if I get the song, I think it's a cool idea, but if you could tie it in more it would be interesting.
Its "Crusty Rusty," but im working on dropping the "Crusty."
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