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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Troy- WW5 (Eric, TJ, Lauren, Jessie)

We were on a road trip looking at colleges in New York when my mom and I thought it might be a good idea to visit Hullie. We were not too far from the dilapidated city of Troy, and Hullie would be one hundred and two years old that May. If anyone would live to be one hundred and fifty we figured it would be Hullie, but we figured visiting might be a good idea just in case. The nursing home, maybe two minutes from the brick house we so missed, looked out over top of the city that, if possible, seemed even more run down. The color of the sky was grey, the buildings were grey, and grey smoke billowed from a factory below. As we entered the nursing home, the smell of old people hit us, the smell everyone dreads. The smell doesn’t carry the same significance as cuddling up in grandma’s house with the smell of vanilla and fresh baked cookies. It’s the smell of sanitized hospital rooms, over baked food, and old furniture that carries the smell of everyone that has ever sat in that chair over the years with a musty odor. We found Hullie lying in her bed, glasses askew with their fake pearl chain holding them on her face, white curly hair spread across her forehead, and knobby knuckled hands lying across her matching sweat pant outfit. She looked at us, eyes widening and crooked smile spreading across her face. Her hearing had been long gone, it had faded when she still lived in the brick house, but hearing aids seemed to allow her relatively normal hearing. It seemed silly, but the hearing aids didn’t work on hundred percent of the time so people had to shout at her. Often she didn’t catch anything anyone said, so it seemed people were having conversations with themselves.

2 comments:

  1. This is a nice piece. Your description of Troy is highly accurate and well done without being overused. Very good, prudent description of "the smell of old people." I wanted more description of Hullie's house; it seems like something so significant should be fleshed out a bit more.

    Your use of language is a bit mundane, but it seems mostly successful for a place like Troy; it still seems like you might have missed a bit of an opportunity and I think if you really tightened down your language and use of words, the piece would be a lot more efficient. In a piece with just a little actual plot development, strong and detailed description is key.

    Good job overall; a nice story. You don't do very much wrong, per se (watch your proofreading in a few places... "seemed like way to much work to me," and don't forget to separate independent clauses with semicolons). I think your success could be magnified if you worked a bit on strengthening the language.

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  2. Going off what TJ was saying (I always feel so unoriginal in this), some of the descriptions are really nice but I think the some of the language could be reworked. For example, you use "figured" twice in the same sentence. "If anyone would live to be one hundred and fifty we figured it would be Hullie, but we figured visiting might be a good idea just in case."
    I think the descriptions are strong enough that you dont want them to be lost in verbious language.

    At the end of this piece, I wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad. I also can not tell if it would be stronger trying to define it one way or the other or to leave it as ambiguous. I think if you could put in your own feelings towards it, even if it was subtly, it would give the piece more direction. However, if in the situation you were conflicted about how to feel, you did a good job getting that across to the reader, but i think it should be clearer that it was intentional.

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