For some reason, it wont let my paste anything into this box. I don't want to re-type an entire section, so my piece is the one called "The Incredible Sam I Am"
About the ending, I cut off a couple paragraphs about whats happend with riding since Sam died. I don't know if its stronger without them or if I should have some follow up.
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I liked this because I understand the emotion/bond you have with a horse. I like the ending that's in the packet, I like the repitition of "he'll be fine" because that's always what you keep in your mind in a crisis.
ReplyDeleteDetails like "I just wanted him to be comfotable when he laid down" are really nice to show your attachment to Sam. I would like more of that though. I almost would prefer you get to you and Sam earlier. Some of the beginning paragraphs with the group lessons don't really do anything to emphasize your relationship with Sam. I would get to Sam quicker and then add more about you sitting on the barn floor or brushing him to really hit home the bond you have.
Also, get to your transformation on Sam sooner, you say that he was becoming a "robot fluff horse", how so? What does that change mean to you? You worry that you broke him and I think that's something the reader would like to know more about your thoughts.
I did love the emotion and bond of the story between you and Sam because a lot of people can relate with their pets. It's a sad story, but the image at the end is really strong and the build up of the bond bewteen you and Sam makes your point of loss at the end even stronger.
I went to the CVF camp, by the way. ...Interesting. Not a great experience per se (the dusty room definitely conjures up long hours waiting for my sister), but hey, I can ride a horse.
ReplyDeleteI relate to this piece in a number of ways and I think you did a great job with your description of lesson horses and "horse people" without overdoing it. Your language is simple and I really like that. You find good ways of summing up the essence of things without being too verbose, and you let the reader figure out what you really mean. It's good.
There's very little description of Sam's demeanor. All I know is that he's not dead-behind-the-eyes like a show horse. What is he like? something to consider.
All in all, Great. No proofreading issues, which makes me happy.