Wednesday, February 3, 2010
WW #4, Group Uno
Taking my first step outside of the bus, my eyes immediately stung from the glare of the sun. The scorching 110-degree weather made the air feel like a thick quilt, with humidity heavy enough to sweat for me. Nonetheless, we had made it. After a grueling two-hour bus ride, my group had finally arrived in Suzhou, a popular art city in China. As we gathered outside of the bus, our program director announced, “We will now be entering the ‘Venice of China.’” I saw a canal- 100 meters long at most- with crowds of people standing beside it, anxiously waiting for their turn to take a boat ride. After seeing this, I walked further down the canal and found that either side of it was packed with vibrantly colored souvenir shops, selling anything from traditional Chinese fans to painted caricatures of President Obama. This was clearly a tourist attraction, and while it was very appealing to the eye, I had the urge to explore the genuine village outside of it. I made my way down an alley between two of the souvenir shops and then around a large wall along the main road. I exited the canal area, and I was astonished. The village was living in devastating poverty. The people lived in crammed, run-down shacks, constructed of garbage, mud, and scrap wood. These homes were lined up along a dirt road, with no running water and scarcely found electricity. This sudden transition was nothing short of shocking. I had walked no more than a few minutes outside of the thriving, energetic tourist attraction, and saw the polar opposite: over-populated, crowded shacks in extremely poor conditions.
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You mention a lot of different things and places in this story, but you don't really give too much visual description. I think it's hard to grasp an atmosphere in a story without a large amount of facilitating imagery. Maybe talk more about the heat, how it smelled, felt against your skin, or the shacks, what materials they were made of, etc. I think more description would be really helpful.
ReplyDeleteI feel like there is a sufficient amount of description in this piece, but more wouldn't hurt. After reading the piece I had a good idea of how overpopulated and run-down parts of China are (at least I think I have a good idea). I thought this story was interesting. I was drawin in from the beginning and wondered what the narrator was doing. That question was answered, which was good.
ReplyDeleteI liked the side story about Cara being really high maintenance. I liked how it led up to the ending of how it's hard not to feel bad for the people who live in China. I feel like the last sentence could've been much stronger. In fact, I don't even think the last paragraph is necessary. I think ending on "The people who lived...an every day resource" leaves the reader with a stronger emotion.
I liked it. Nice job.
I really liked the descriptions in this story and overall it's very well written. The details really give me a clear image of where you were. I sort of agree with Evan about the last sentence-- though I think the point of it is necessary to the piece, you could maybe portray that point with an image instead of directly telling what you learned. Though you do a good job of describing everything, the story is so interesting that I want to know more about your experience and see more. Maybe you could give more details of your experience to show an even greater contrast between the poverty and tourist aspect of your visit. Good job!
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