Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Rest Stop (WW6)- Jessie, Lauren, Eric, T.J.
I emerged, with the urge to take a shower as soon as we arrived at our destination, to find my mother wedged in between two hillbillies in the McDonalds line. It would be another three hours before we got to any decent food, so we figured another Diet Coke and chicken sandwich could hold us over. The woman working at the register was the largest woman I’ve seen. There was no way if my mom and I linked our hands together that we would have been able to reach all the way around this woman. She wore a skirt with an elastic waistband (obviously it was the only thing that would fit her) with some supportive shoes and thick glasses. On one leg was a bandage, I told my mother that I thought it was for support because what else would be able to fit around her leg? My mother leaned over and whispered to me, “She looks like a turtle.” Shaking her head she continued, “No, actually, just the inside of a turtle.”
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is a pretty good piece. It's really funny and uses some creative description to convey your environment-- "crazy, sluggish Indiana air" is a good example. I know the feeling of hurrying out of a rest stop, and you did pretty well turning the experience from a mundane trial into an adventure.
ReplyDeleteIt almost edges on being too judgmental of the Indianan laypeople, which I find hilarious but might present some offense to other people. Something to look out for.
The humor is the best part of this piece. I like when you switch to referring to the cashier as "turtle woman" right after the introduction of the topic. Pfft. Turtle woman.
Watch your proofreading in a few spots. Possibly replace "in that" with "as if" in the last paragraph. Be careful with tenses-- you switch from present to past after the end of the 1st paragraph.
This is borderline way late. Walk it off.
ReplyDeleteI agree with TJ in that it borders on very judgmental, however I don't think you should revise it with the intention of editing it down. I think a lot of the piece relies on the sort of edge that you give the piece, and if you water it down it will be much weaker. Also, as it is a 'non-fiction' class, I think you would lose some genuineness if you try to make it politically correct. I have a feeling you wouldn't anyway, but just saying.
So TJ said this too, props to me on creativity, but it is funny and I think you get a lot of that through off-beat descriptions. Comparing a woman to the inside of a turtle is definitely something I have not heard before but it still creates a very distinct image. I will also keep it in mind for future use, preferably in conversations with people outside of this class so I will sound clever and unique. I like it.
As for things that could be worked on, I think the as the story draws to a close it sort of dies out. Ends are really hard, I get that, but there's all this sort of build up and description and then at the end it all sort of crumbles away.