Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Weekend Writing 6- group uno
I have my hands crossed against my stomach, close my eyes and feel the cool almost winter breeze against my face. Just as I begin to talk to some of my other friends waiting for their rides, Kaylynn’s dad’s car pulls into the school parking lot. Dr. Ruf has a large robust figure, has a shiny bald head, and wears wire glasses that are too small for his face. His personality shines through every time we get into the car—it makes the ride interesting at least. He asked my 11-year old sister the other week, “You seem like you’re afraid of me. Why is that?” to which my sister didn’t know how to reply other than an awkward, mouse-like, “No I’m not…” He is a doctor, and knows you have to be somewhat smart to be one. So with that, combined with the fact that he is an older man who is well off and controls the money in the house, he enjoys revealing his opinions.
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One thing I really like in this piece is the description of characters. Even in this little segment there is a lot to take away. For example, when you describe Dr. Ruf's physical appearance. That's really good because I can actually picture him in my mind.
ReplyDeleteIt's not just his physical appearance. I also get a sense that he has good people skills from the way he spoke to your sister.
I'm not sure I actually have any criticisms for this piece. It drew me in quickly and I was able to focus until the end. I enjoyed it.
I like the descriptiveness in this piece. It sucks you in very quickly and makes sure you don't let go. However on the flipside, i find the last couple sentences to be somewhat awkward. They're a little jarring and could be smoothed.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there is a lot of good description in this piece but maybe you could look back to see if it all flows as well as you want it to, especially in the ending.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything said above. The descriptiveness draws the reader in, but that is lost in the end. Maybe trying to use that same style in the ending would help it connect better, and make the piece feel finished instead of rushed at the end.
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