My gas light blinks. Pale and yellow. Pathetic. There’s a BP about five hundred yards down the road, so I shouldn’t be worried about running dry. But I am. I’m always worried about running dry.
SOM Center Road at 7:50 AM. Mothers sit all high and holy in the thrones of their SUVS, which are even less sexy when caked in thin layers of sidewalk salt residue. I generalize. They are eager to drop off the kids. Ready to get rid of them. Hair appointments, private workouts, and coffee with friends add volume to their schedules, and everything’s unavoidable when it’s written in a planner. Suburban congestion is a byproduct of mom’s obligations. I’m all too familiar.
In case you were wondering, you are marmot gladiators, just putting that out there.
ReplyDeleteI really like this piece for what it is, I think you do a very good job with the voice and getting across the message you wanted to get across. I am incredibly impressed by your honesty (presuming that is what it is), and I just like the feel of the piece. I think that at the sentence level, you could do some work in some spots like with phrases like "I generalize." and a few other small spots. I don't really have any large changes, except that maybe you could add more scene. I like it how it is, but maybe describing more of what you are seeing directly could add to your piece, although I think that is your personnel choice. I just generally like this piece and don't think that except for personal changes and modifications, and maybe some work on words and structure that I would change much. Good job.
Random thing: end of the story, you say you’re trying to take a right turn out of the driveway but ur left signal is on—am I missing something? Lol
ReplyDeleteOk so beyond that the actual story: overall I think the main problem im getting is just that all that I’m really pulling out of the story is a kind of incoherent feeling of annoyance with society in a consistent lack of sympathy from other drivers, how hungry you are, and the time you need to get to school… im getting that, but it doesn’t come off as anything compelling, but more as a kind of annoyed rant, so I lost some interest reading through the piece. I guess the problem for me is that I don’t know what to walk away with after reading this since it just emotes annoyance, and not much more.
That being said, you articulated it pretty well. the scene in the gas station shop for me serves as a fairly memorable part of the story, and at the end, I like when you take back the comment that you die since it lightens the piece and contextualizes it as a mere annoyance rather than an angry, overdone rant. The descriptions are specific, vivid, and entertaining, and your voice definitely comes through.