Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Weekend Writing 5 Group UNO
Baseball was a good way for my dad and me to bond. We used to go to the batting cages and afterwards get ice cream. We used to go see the Cleveland Indians play at Jacobs Field. We used to play catch on cool summer nights on the front lawn. We did it all so I could hone my baseball skills. He helped me develop lightning fast reflexes. I liked to think that I could snatch a fly with my thumb and index finger like those karate gurus. I remember during one game when I was the pitcher, a batter hit my pitch straight at me and I automatically lifted up my arm to catch it. Everything happened so fast, but somehow the ball landed in my glove. The batter was so mad that he kicked up dirt. The dirt in the air was enough to make someone cough.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I really liked the repitition in this piece of the coughing and the imagery at the beginning and the end. I think you accomplished making a description of your feelings of embarrassment and of guilt. However, the last few lines threw me off. It made me feel like your moment that you had, when you finally felt human, was made less important because you distracted me with this line about the color yellow that didn't have very much explanation and then undermined your guilt by again mentioning that it was good you were no longer embarrassed. I thought the point you made with that really good image of you looking at the picture was sort of destroyed by that.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the piece because I felt that it was an honest depiction of your feelings during the time of your dad's illness. I like the images you have in each paragraph, but I think you can further elaborate, or "zoom in" on them. Also, as some people mentioned in the workshop, the last line could be edited a bit because it doesn't exactly match up with the rest of that paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWhen you implement the coughing into the paragraphs, I think that that way you use it as an interruption of train of thought/words is a very good way to express how it felt to see your dad go through what he did- and to express how it affected you without directly saying so. I like the piece a lot, it's very personal and I admire you for writing about something that must have been so hard to go through. My only criticism (a very small one) is that when you begin your seventh paragraph "I never thought that my dad could die" it makes it seem as if your dad died already, putting forth a false climax to the story.
ReplyDelete