“Connecting…” It was a picture of a book I bought her when we were in middle school. It had girly-curly font on the front and she told me it sucked. It was the worst book she ever read. She still makes fun of me for it sometimes. In the message she wrote, “And the Holy grail of our friendship…”
That was a good one. I didn’t have good ones. I really wished I did. I really wished I could find that stupid bookmark with the stupid salt and peppershakers on it but I had been stupid and careless and I lost it. Now I was looking through things that I haven’t looked at since I stuffed them in the pockets I was currently pulling them out of.
I found a note she’d written on my class schedule signed with a peace sign + a heart. I took a picture and sent it, no message.
She texted back, “Damn, girl. Clean your room!”
I didn’t respond. I took a picture of a collection of post-its she’d wrote notes on to me and sent it, no message. I shook my head feeling stupid and careless. I rushed to find something else to send.
I really loved this piece and how the "connectings" of the pictures really showed the relationship between you and your friend. I think the middle was very strong and seemed very natural while the beginning part about Facebook and the summing up at the end felt more forced. The ending starts out great but then it seems like you kind of rushed to end it. Maybe try ending on an image or bring it back to the bookmark that you never found.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning also has that great line about how it's harder to miss someone when you see them every day. I would expand this idea more and get rid of a lot of the Facebook stuff. This is a really emotional story but starting it off with Facebook immediately gives the impression of a stereotypical teenager which you, as the author, clearly are not.
Back to the middle. I really liked the structure and the increasing panic as you couldn't believe just how much you'd forgotten. It's like you're trying to prove to yourself how much you care but while you're doing this, you're actually showing her that you don't care. You stop sending messages and focus on sending the pictures as proof that you do care, when messages would add so much meaning. This is really well done and it's really easy for the reader to make a connection here. Your narrative voice also adds a lot to the piece.
I agree with Sammy about the beginning-- it feels more slow and forced. However, after the beginning the piece begins to flow and it reads really nicely.
ReplyDeleteI really like the descriptions of how you feel as you go through all of the items from your friend in your room. I also like how you tell a bit of a story after coming across many of the things. Your feelings really come across and are depicted really well-- good job!
I like in this piece how you establish a relationship with your unnamed friend. I know that I can relate to finding things that represent past friendships, so I could draw a lot of emotion from the piece. However, one thing I want to mention is that I sort of feel like after awhile it just turned into a list of things you found. It's got good potential.
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ReplyDeleteI personally really liked the piece. I didn't think that the beginning was slow, I just got a little thrown at first when you brought in the kid you drive to school. It made it sound like the focus was about to switch to him, and that he was involved in the loss of your good friend or was about to become the main character in your story. Maybe but eliminating him as a character to a simple text message would do the trick.
ReplyDeleteThe way that you expressed how you felt about losing her as a friend was very well done. It was very obvious that you truly missed her, and want to renew your friendship. The actions you took to try to respond with good text messages portrayed that very well, to the point that I don't think you even need to say that in the end. Overall well done, I really liked it.