Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Telescope Eyes (Linus, Margo, Joe, Sammy)
It was almost a calm summer’s day. Through the open window I could hear those especially noisy neighbors racing down the street on their bright pink and green bikes, their towels draped around their shoulders and their swim suits still dripping wet. A few minutes later I could hear the slapping of bare feet on the street as their little brother raced to catch up, yelling louder than the rest combined. “Kelsey, come on, I. Am. Coming!” He repeated it over and over until it became a bizarre sort of motto encouraging him to keep going. As if the already tangible, edible scent of his upcoming cookout weren’t enticing enough on its own.
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I really enjoyed this piece but feel it could be even stronger if certain parts are clarified and expanded. The little sister's voice is really well written so the reader can tell its a little girl and see her emotions from what and how she says what she is saying. However, there is not a description of what the sister looks like and I would love, as the reader, to be able to see her. There are also some points when the word "they" is used but we don't know who is being referred to. ("they put the telescope" - who is they?)
ReplyDeleteI would also really love the image of you and your sister looking at the moon expanded. It has hints of a lot of emotion and I would like more scene description so that this potential can be fully realized.
This was very well done. The only suggestion I have is to think about the use of the cookout and neighbors. It took me kind of a while to figure out that they were not the focus of the story and even now, while they paint a nice picture (especially with the feet slapping) I am not sure what their purpose is.
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