On the desk sits my Hewlett-Packard Laptop, a stack of Bass Player magazines, a Burton snowboard catalog, a porcelain piggy bank in the shape of a small immigrant boy given to me by my great-grandfather, a miniature basketball hoop, three pieces of Cleveland Indians memorabilia, not to mention the odd trinkets that don’t belong in my room, period. This would include the glass dolphin with chameleon eyes and filled with water, the glass elephant filled with wood chips, and the dancing cactus. Especially the dancing cactus. This toy cactus wears a purple and orange sombrero, aviator sunglasses, and has orange feet. When poked, the cactus gyrates back and forth while singing, “I am a cactus! I am a cactus! I like nothing very much! I am a cactus! I am a cactus! HAHA! Be careful if you touch!” in a hopelessly poor recreation of an Hispanic accent. Why this cactus is the centerpiece of my desk is a good and slightly disturbing question, but, nevertheless, there it sits, exerting its dominion over the wood chip elephant, chameleon/dolphin, and immigrant boy.
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I really like the subject of 'stuff'. I think most anyone can relate to having their stuff on the floor and shelves and have given up cleaning through it all. I love the descriptions behind some of the items, like the cactus or LeRoy the camel. It makes it personal and shows what's important to you, like a baseball game and rivalry with US. The description of the shelf is also nice bringing the soldiers to life against the plane.
ReplyDeleteI like the little stories more than the lists. The stuff listed on the desk is fine, but the dresser items are a lot to take in by just listing them. I think it also might be helpful to add a little more of the parents or sister's interaction with the room. More description of how they see your stuff would be a nice contrast to how you see your stuff.
This piece is a nice, original way to describe your surroundings. The anthropomorphism you exercise on all of the objects in your room is really nice. Good, simple descriptions give me a decent idea of what everything looks like without being overwhelming. The humor in this piece is really strong, too. It's clever and used with caution.
ReplyDeleteMy only minor gripe is that the essay in general seems a bit... mundane. I guess when I read nonfiction, I'm reaching out to try and find some larger point to the whole narrative, and I don't see one in this piece. I mean, I guess it's not really necessary to have a big, epic statement about the meaning of life. I recognize that not every essay has to have a "meaning," per se.
Also, watch out when you proofread-- there were just a few things. Firstly, 8x12x15 feet does not a cube make. Secondly, "but" and "yet" are interchangeable, but shouldn't really be compounded. Meh. I'm picky.
nice ending. I'm bad at those. Not sure it's necessary to italicize "stuff"-- simply because the repetition of the word implies emphasis anyways. But it's good.
I kind of just have what everyone else already said, but here goes.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the descriptions of all the stuff in your room, i read it in my own and it made me really look at things i hadn't noticed in a while. There's some weird stuff.
Anyway, I like that through the descriptions the reader can sort of get a sense of who the author is and what is important to him, like Jessie said. However, I think you get across the sense of what is and is not important pretty well, and don't need to preface descriptions with things like "not to mention the odd trinkets that don’t belong in my room, period." The items are already such an odd mix, i think it goes with out saying that they don't fit in. I guess what I mean is that your writing is strong enough that somethings go without saying, so you should leave them unsaid.
I agree with what Jessie said about looking more into the mom and sister's reactions, I think it would help give the essay some more weight to sort of address TJ's issue, which I also agree with, of lack of meaning. Sort of a dual perception sort of thing.