The girl shuts her eyes tight and tilts her head toward the sky. She breathes in and snaps her eyes open, focusing to make sure she can tell which star is the first star she sees tonight. She watches it until she can no longer tell if it is actually there or if she only wants to believe it is there. And she wishes.
But how could stars grant wishes? They do not understand their own mystery. They do not know enough to grant wishes and they can only guess what she is wishing for tonight. They know what it is. But they have learned from watching the world what it is to be too afraid to say what is truest. And so they will never know.
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This piece has a lot of really strong ideas but I feel that they are not developed as well as they could be. I think it would be a better piece if each idea was expanded and clarified, and then the controdictory idea was brought in and clearly developed. I feel that an effective manner to help develop the ideas is to add some more scene descriptions. For example, in the paragraph that starts "tonight, the light.." and in the scene about the girl talking on the phone, I really wanted to know more about what was going on. When and where is this happening? How old is the author? What is she thinking and feeling? What does she look like? What is the phone conversation about? Who is she talking to? etc.
ReplyDeleteI love the ideas that the stars are watching us. HOwever, I really wanted to know a lot more about the stars. What do they think about humans and what is their opinion? I think this is a great idea about innocence v. experience and think developing the stars into a character would help to amp up the contrast between the girl and the stars.
My favorite thing about this piece is that there are some brilliant lines. The lines "But they have learned from watching the world what it is to be afraid to say what is truest. And so they will never know" really made me think and I love that I could come up with multiple meaning for it. It basically blew my mind.
I feel like I am left without something in this piece. I think there is a lot of potential because of the naturally mistifying state of stars but I do not feel like all the ideas here were developed enough. I think you are trying to make parts of the piece a little unclear but I think there needs to be a little more clarity in the part which which you want to emphasize more, which I think is the stars. Maybe point out a certain planet in a given direction or something like that. It is a good start.
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