Thursday, February 4, 2010
"Ambulance vs. Ambulance....SAme group as Evan M...
We almost die in a median strip in rural Indiana, less than an hour away from Chicago. Not a single cloud disturbs the sky. The sun’s free to torment me. I bring my hands to my head, searching for feeling. To know I’m still alive could prove relieving. My left hand hurts. I’ve registered pain. Cool, but fuck. Orientation’s gone, and I’m not comfortable with anything. Everything? Nothing. Not a thing. And Brueghel’s farmer continues to plow.
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since I'm not obligated to say anything about this piece, I'll say nothing except that I thought it was incredible. I read it start to finish in like 3 minutes.
ReplyDeleteWow.
Not sure what O))) is though.
I liked the descriptions in this piece, and I thought it was cool how you told the story of these events from a very disconnected point of view that really got me to think. However, I think you a little over the top with the disconnect, both of the narrator and of the writing itself. I feel like if this happened, the narrator would feel more emotion. I understand you are in shock, but it stil seems like you are like, oh this hurts, look blood, oh well type thing. But that could just be me. But I wonder if putting in small more concrete, down-to-earth images and maybe some emotion would allow your readers to connect better and make your piece more powerful. I also liked the ending with the descriptions of the police and somewhat the medical team, but I wanted more of that. I feel like there are a lot of competiting ideas, and that maybe they aren't fully developed. I think you have a great topic to really catch the attention of the reader, but maybe putting more in would pull the reader through and make the reader stronger. It certainly isn't a problem of wanting to read on, except when the disconnect gets kinda annoying. But I think this piece has a lot of potential.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to go with TJ here because this was awesome. I read the first line and got all excited because look, Icarus! and then the way you finish the piece in the same way definitely gave it a deeper meaning that goes beyond the situation itself. However, I do agree with Gerson in that I think you start a lot of ideas but then never really bring them to a close. You could even develop the Icarus one more throughout the piece. Maybe flashbacks would be helpful to give the character a more concrete background without losing any of the chaos of the present scene.
ReplyDeleteThe title of this piece kind of confused me. I literally reread it and reread it, trying to figure out if the words are different and then looked it up to see if there are two meanings of ambulance. (which I found out there are not) I understand that the two ambulances raced to the crash but do not understand how this applies to the whole larger piece. I would love to see this idea developed and clarified.
ReplyDeletei partially agree with gerson in that some of the jumps are a little too abrupt for me, like when you start talking about jesus and the mary chain. but largely i think it flows fairly well while feeling very chaotic since you stick to certain ideas/motifs/allusions and play them out for entire paragraphs, like the first one. and the whole thing ties togetehr because you keep going back to the image of icarus, which is wonderful. nevertheless though i think they could be tied together better.
ReplyDeleteand i agree totally with margo about the ambulance vs. ambulance part being only vaguely connected.
on the list of things i really like, i thought it was cool how you are in a wrecked car, but nevertheless totally judging the carpenter and the bystander. that, and the ending works awesomely. those are wonderful.
on the other hand i think im missing some meaning at times, namely since i am not exactly intimate with the prolific, illustrious sun O))) you speak of, among other things.
First thing: I think the usage of "fuck" is orchestrated very well. This is mainly due to the fact that the author says he is yelling fuck, not just thinking it. This combined with the fact that he is kicking things in anger allows me to relate very well to the situation. At this point I can see myself also yelling fuck, as I have in situations previously, and the realism derived from this experience affirms the authenticity of the author's claims.
ReplyDeleteCool.
I like the piece a lot, to the point I am not really sure what to say since I usually only articulate my discontent with other's writing. Really though, devices like writing "sirensirensiren..." instead of "I hear the siren of an ambulance growing closer" emphasizes the fact that the author's head is not working quite properly after being thrown into a median. Little moments on incoherence add to this. "...I don't need to go to the hospital because I need to talk to my dad and tell him what happened." Perfect example.
Some of the references are inaccessible to most readers. Though I am acquainted with the illustrious and revered sun o))), many are not enlightened. Maybe at least mention it is music.
To Margo: I do not understand your disagreement with the title. As I read it the title links into the piece by fact that there are two ambulances that arrive at the scene. It [the title] hints that there is some sort of accident, but doesn't give much away from the story. To me the title doesn't need to read as a thesis for the piece, but that's just me. Nothing personal, but I like it.
I am also honored you chose to associate with me in the title of the blog post, but for future reference our group is "Marmot Gladiators".
ReplyDelete