My dad, sister, and I were left in the crowd. Though I was excited for the parade to begin, as I anticipated the beginning I became increasingly antsy. Tired from standing all day, sun burnt, impatient as could be, and holding Mickey mouse-shaped lollipop in my hand, I was suddenly approached by a young woman wearing a Mickey-mouse shirt, Minnie hat, and warmhearted expression on her face.
“Do you want to start a parade?”
With a gleaming smile I looked at my dad to see if he approved. And he said yes! The young lady walked me out into the middle of the street, as I bounced along and followed her like lost a puppy. She took out a cloth bag filled with “tinker-bell dust.” Kneeling down to my height so that she was eye-level with me, she asked me to cup my small palms, and sprinkled some of this sparkly, multi-colored glamorous pixie dust into them. As my mom returned to the scene, she couldn’t believe that out of thousands of people I was chosen to start the parade. Closing my eyes, I smiled and enthusiastically launched the shimmering particles into the air. Consequently, the music began and the floats were approaching into sight; I started the parade. And of course, I truly believed that my pixie dust started it.
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First, I liked the quote to start. I thought it was a strong quote that really connected to the awe and amazement of the kid. Some of the descriptions are great. I like, "the smell of cotton candy and sweat" permeating the air. I can picture being in the crowd in humid Florida because of the detail.
ReplyDeleteI would definately add more of this description though. I wish there was more description about the buildings, the characters that you took pictures with from the viewpoint of this amazed kid. Same goes for being in the parade, tell what you heard walking in the parade or the people's faces around you, some sort of physical details would be nice there.
I really liked how relatable the story was though, because Disney does make kids feel like that, and the excitement does come across.
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ReplyDeletePutting aside my own impressions of Disney World as really, really, really, creepy, I think the main idea of this piece gets across really well. The childlike excitement of the narrator is evident in spades, and it's clear that we're seeing the world through Disney-branded imagination-filled glasses. Great descriptions of the stuffiness and the smells.
ReplyDeleteYour execution falters a bit in some spots. For example, when you've already qualified something as "inextinguishable and nearly infinite," I don't think it's necessary to point out that it's also unfathomable. Also, the section in which you describe the other tourists seems like a bit of an afterthought. Admittedly it's probably hard to remember details from that far back, but the whole section is largely generalized and it gets a little boring.
What I remember about Disney world is being visually bombarded with insane fake-looking buildings, ridiculous tourist outfits, and lots and lots of colors. Maybe this wasn't your experience, but I think that an opportunity may have been missed to describe the visual surroundings a little more.
Lastly, while I try to hold back on my need for grammatical perfection, there are spots in this piece where it obscures what you're trying to say. For example, "And as if the amount of people crowded on the streets, which leaves you with practically no room to sit, the humidity is unbearable." This sentence is way, way off. I can't tell what's going on. Also stuff like "followed her like lost a puppy." A quick read-through will fix most of these trouble spots and should help bring the whole piece together. Finally, extravagancy is not a word. Extravagance is what you're looking for.
Annoying scrutinizing aside, good job on this. The tone comes through very well.
Kind of going along with what TJ was saying and with what Mr Harris was talking about in class, I definitely think there are so places where you stack up a bunch of adjectives. I think if you're trying to create a sense of childhood wonder you could try and make some of the passages less wordy. For instance, "sparkly, multi-colored glamorous pixie dust."
ReplyDeleteAlso, at the very end where you say, "I started the parade. And of course, I truly believed that my pixie dust started it." I think it work better as just "my pixie dust started the parade." As is, it is a little repetitive.
I like the story over all though, you do a great job of creating the sense of wonder that Disneyland gives kids, while at the same time not making it overly cheesy. I like how you sort of undercut the magic with things like the huge crowds and sweaty smells, but you dont lose the childlike tone. Also, I'm super jealous that you got to start a parade.