Monday, January 11, 2010
Something Something Something Dark Side (#1)
Two hours later the phones start ringing. Parents are asking when the two are coming home, and or engaging in the chores left to him. The room is a mess, two pizza boxes, 6 boxes of pop tarts (brown sugar cinnamon) and a cooler filled with now empty soda cans. Apple looks at Windows (although the two denominations would be a misnomer now) and says the first words to his friend since they returned from Best buy 19 hours ago: “That was sweeet…” (His words slurring unintentionally). Windows looks back: “Next weekend? We can find something else to debate at 1 am!” Apple: “Dude!”
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I'm really interested to know what the thesis/goal of this essay is. I'm also a bit confused about the "Windows" and "Apple" characters, but I hope that that confusion goes away upon reading the essay.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence beginning "The room is a mess" seems a bit runny to me. I think it could be rephrased and shortened easily. For example, I think it would be easier to just say "6 boxes of brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts" instead of having the flavor in parentheses. I also think that the sentence seems runny because of the comma after "mess". It prompts me to look for a verb or something that isn't there. Maybe the comma could be replaced with "with"? If you want to separate the clause "The room is a mess", I think it could stand alone, and then you could add something like "litter the floor" or something at the end of the remaining part of that phrase.
What I draw from this excerpt is that these two people bought a game and played it for a long time, isolating themselves from everything else. The image of that is clear, which is good.
I'm not in this group but I read this excerpt and I'm really excited to read the piece. At the least, it says you're great at excerpting your own work. I think the additions in the parentheses are hilarious and the exact details do, as Evan said, create an awesome scene.
ReplyDeleteI actually really like the "Windows" and "Apple" characters and I think it works really well with the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning and the ending of the story, in my opinion is really good, but in the middle, I get lost and a little confused. I think it would benefit from giving more information and description of what you two are actually doing on the computer.
What I picked up is that this is common for this type of online computer-gaming get together. I felt like the characters were kind of disconnected though because of a lack of dialogue or even just interaction besides the 1 or 2 spots. I also like the visual descriptions but I think it would have been stronger with a sense of smell and feeling in the environment (Im guessing this took place in a basement? Basements always have A smell (either a recently done basement with new carpet smell or a musty, stale dry/humid smell and feeling. And yes, I did do a parenthesis inside another parenthesis)).
ReplyDeleteI like the essay in general but I cannot figure out what exactly it is that I like about it. I guess it just "works."
I definitely feel a German vibe coming from it, so maybe that's it. Seriously though, well done.