Monday, January 11, 2010
George Inness (Group 2 - Captain School)
He twirls his smooth brush in between his fingers and finally takes notice of the Lackawanna Valley in front of him. The ground is mix of yellow and pale green grass spotted with brown decaying tree trunks. It is a poor reminder of what was. This very valley used to be full of lush trees that blocked your view of the factories below. This very valley used to be an untamed wilderness without factories and railroad tracks. This very valley was never called a valley. It was once a forest.
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I really like the contrast here between the story parts and the historical parts. I think your descriptions are amazing and really well written, especially the sentence here "The ground is a mix of yellow...It is a poor reminder of what it was." I think that most of what you can fix in this piece is based on character. When I read it, I want more development of a character to hold onto, whether it is you as the narrator or Inness. I kind of like the idea of developing the narrator more and using Inness as a vehicle to show the narrator's emotions and thoughts, but you can play with this idea as you like.
ReplyDeleteI too really like the descriptions which create very vivid and real images that are very powerful. I just think that the story part isn't developed enough. You sort of introduce the story, then have two historical paragraphs, and then end the story, and I think that because the middle is purely historical, part of the message is lost. I think if you could find a way to incorporate the historical bits (which I think are cool) into your amazing descriptions and the development, as sammy said, of your main character more (whoever that may be) that you will have a very powerful and fun to read piece. But those really are damn impressive descriptions.
ReplyDeleteoops, i guess you were right and i never actually did comment on this apart from like mentioning to you what i thought in passing. oooopsies.
ReplyDeleteso im basically jst reiterating what i said before, that i think that the descriptions were really nice though im stuck wondering what written was reflecting george inness's thoughts, and what were a reflection of your own. i like that challenge in the piece, though i wish either you or george comes out as a stronger character in the piece. id prefer if the narrator came out more. i like geroge inness being portrayed as somewhere in between a historical artistic figure of the american hudson school, which was pretty excited about the development of america/man and human living together, vs. george inness as someone who was also somewhat forlorn about it all since, like what sammy quoted, the lackawanna valley is only a poor reminder of what it was. but otherwise, very nice descriptions.