They were green now, a dark green, which colored the air around me with that familiar forest smell I always found when I felt home. Little round shaped layers of a bright, tropical lime green poked through the needles in clusters, too young yet to be on their own. The ground, though, was littered what they would become, what everything would become, in the orangey brown mess that guest starred as my carpet.
Again...ending help please?
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First, I really love the descriptions in this piece. They are detailed and specific and transport the reader into the story.
ReplyDeleteSomething to consider - The prose is elevated but the story is a description of something that happened during childhood and the way its written doesn't 100% match what the story is about. If the author wants to keep the prose as is, it might add something to the piece if the reader was able to see the perspective of the kid at the time and the person telling the story. Or the author could make it sound as if it is from a child's perspective. Or just make it clear that it is someone looking back on their childhood.
For the ending, I like the image of the mice but I think it could just be stronger. This image could be very powerful if it helped develop the idea of hiding (the title) by showing that you are hiding from something (what are you hiding from?) and the mice are hiding within your hiding space (are the mice hiding from the same thing as you or from you). I think just developing the idea you have already started will make the ending great.
I think the descriptions are very vivid and as margo put it, really pull the reader into the story and allows him or her to be able to see what the child is seeing. However, I want more of the character, like you always tell me. As margo points out, you write it from the perspective (it seems) of now looking back, but I think making that more pronounced, and maybe watching yourself do it, instead or narrorating from your eyes as a child could make it stronger. More I just want descriptions of specific things the narrator is doing, facial expressions, things like that. Children not only notice everything, but they don't just stand and stare, they look, the touch, they jump gleefully, and I think putting that in can help make your point stronger.
ReplyDeleteI also think the ending could be more developed. Again, you describe it well, although this part could be a little more vivid I thought, and the very last sentence is a good response to that image, but I think you can do more with that, especially to end your piece. Its good that you are making the reader think to figure it out, but just make sure you don't leave it underdeveloped. You have a lot of strong images, so keep that going and end with a very strong resonating image that really drives your point home (more so than what is already there).
Oh, looking now at what you said, you wanted more advice on your ending, so I can try to give you some more specific comments, although I don't know how much help they will be. Like how I wanted more of what the narrator is doing, I think maybe at the end you could describe what the mice are doing, are they cuddling? usually they don't just sit there, and I think a child would be especially atuned to noticing everything. I also think that once you decide how you want to tell the story (from the child's point of view or you looking back) can help you maybe develop your last line, making sure that you don't give away too much, but tying it back into the narrator and what she is doing. Also "protected the mice from the world" doesn't seem like something a child or more a mouse would worry about, so you could come up with a stronger message, like reference it back to the rain and such. Basically just develop the images more and do more with the last line without being too obvious is what i personally would do. Hope thats helpful, somewat at least.
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