Case in point: Thomas found a bouncy ball slightly larger than a small pebble. It had streaks of varying colored rubber in it and felt dense in my hand. Thomas brought in said bouncy ball. While tangling, Thomas pulled out the bouncy ball and commenced to bounce the ball against wall. Of course, when the tangle is only about five feet wide, this makes for a fun and slightly dangerous activity. Before long, Thomas heard a lonely, docile freshman walking down the ramp. Thomas’s eyes grew as wide as the sky. I immediately knew what Thomas was thinking, and started shaking my head vehemently. Thomas put his finger over his mouth. “SSSHHH!!” Thomas lofted the bouncy ball over the tangling domain. Thomas, John, and I heard a soft plunk followed by a muffled, “…the hell?” We all laughed in muffled voices.
Of course, the problem with tangling came when we accidentally pulled the hidden aerial attack on a certain Señora Nelson. The consequences were further multiplied when the bouncy ball was replaced with a volume of Walt Whitman’s finest. In this instance, I was up to my eyeballs in the confusing prose of Song of Myself. John came over and merely whispered, “Get ready to run.” My stomach could not have dropped faster if it were the Titanic. Of course, before I could stop the lunacy, over the wall went the book. The muffled freshman exclamation was instead an emphatic, “WHAT?! WHO DID THIS? WHA-? WHERE?” Likewise, our stifled laughter from the freshman/bouncy ball incident transformed to a muffled assortment of oh shits and hot damns. We hopped up and ran. Straight into the door. When we realized it was necessary to open the door and did so, we realized the library was our only chance for escape. It didn’t work. Further effects of the Señora Nelson/Walt Whitman encounter included accelerated heart rate, increased adrenal gland activity, and a study table.
The terminology in this passage is very strong and I think it emphasizes the light-hearted nature of the story... phrases like "docile freshman," "Walt Whitman's finest," and the titanic reference help to set the mood. I laughed out loud on a few occasions. Good modifiers and similes throughout. The only thing that bothers me is the odd change to technical language at the end-- I think this would work out if it became a theme (though I haven't read the entire essay) but as it is, it seems a bit out of place with the straightforward prose preceding it. I also feel like you could've described the colors of the ball a bit more. I'm hoping you set the scene elsewhere in the essay-- in this passage, the only physical frame of reference is the library door. Altogether, though, very nice.
ReplyDeleteTrouble spots: "Thomas brought in... ...ball against wall." It gets awkward near the end, and there's too many B words. Also I think you should put "oh shits" and "hot damns" in quotes.
Err, I also have no idea what tangling is, but as I said before, hopefully that will become a bit more clear in the rest of the essay.
First, I'm glad the author posted this passage. My first problem is one of coherency. The author says Thomas (point of curiosity-- who is Thomas?) found a ball. Then the author describes how the ball felt in his hand. Then the text reads "Thomas brought in said bouncy ball." Not only does this sentence read awkwardly, it makes little sense following the sentence before it as we assume the author did not voyage to Thomas's house, or wherever else he found the ball, to see it before he brought it in. Remove "Thomas...bouncy ball," or place it before the sentence describing the ball to improve coherency.
ReplyDeleteVocabulary: According to the Oxford English Dictionary lofted means: c. "Of a ball: hit into the air." I am pretty sure you mean Thomas tossed it over the domain, rather than Thomas hit it over the domain.
Point of reader confusion: I had to look up what Whalt Whitman's finest is. Apparently it is some soft of quote anthology, which leads me to believe finest should be capitalized, though I am unsure. Second, it will be helpful to add an appositive explaining what Whalt Whitaman's (F/f)inest is.
Song of Myself should be in italics, not underlined.
At risk of being too nitpicky, the Titanic took around two hours and twenty minutes to sink from the time it hit the iceberg, to the time it hit the ocean floor, though following complete submersion the two mile descent is estimated to have taken six minutes. Not exactly as swift as I think the author's stomach actually dropped.
Just before the end of the passage: "we realized it... we realized the library..." For diversity, say something along the lines of we found the library... The next sentence "It didn't work," is too vague. What didn't work? Did you not make it to the library? Or did Sra. Nelson locate you within it?
Now that you think I'm a total asshole, here is what I think is working.
The narrative is fun, and tells an interesting story. My favorite aspect of the piece is how the escapades within the "tangle" are being perpetrated by some members at the same time as others do school work or engage in different activities. This gives the "tangle" depth, and shows it is more than just some teenagers causing trouble. TJ covers other points, overall, enjoyable read.