Eyes open. There sits the computer in a stubbornly not-blown-up state. I groan in vexation at its steadfast determination to destroy my sanity and hinder my productivity for the evening. In a last-ditch effort to establish a connection to the outside world, I push a little harder than necessary on the power button and hold it until the Toshiba forces itself off (the moral equivalent of shutting down the engine of a BMW going sixty miles per hour) and stomp down the twenty-eight total stairs to the basement again. I repeat steps 1 through 5 (See above) and trudge loudly back up the twenty-eight stairs, onto the green-and-beige shag carpet in my room. I turn the Toshiba back on and sit on the floor in a cone of fury and annoyance, the wicked machine looming above me on the loft bed, trying to look innocent.
(Below are steps 1 through 5 as referenced in the above passage:)
1. Pull out the power cable for the modem.
2. Pull out the power cable for both of the routers.
3. Plug modem back in.
4. Curse luck for being surely the only house left in the county on wired internet. Wait 60 seconds.
5. Plug routers back in. Threaten inanimate objects with consequences if connection is not achieved.
LATE EDIT/POSTSCRIPT: Dear Writing group #4, I suggest we name ourselves the Head Cases.
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First point: In steps 1 and 2 remove the from "the modem" and "the router." You don't use the before these in the rest of the steps, and it creates a mechanistic feeling, which I believe adds to the frustration expressed.
ReplyDeleteSecond point: As I postulate the author heard me saying earlier today, the writing about tossing the computer through the air is much more effective if "I imagine, while my eyes are shut, the pleasing prospect of destroying the sinister contraption one and for all," is removed entirely. When I read through the essay originally, I some how missed this sentence, which left me sufficiently flabbergasted as I read the description of the computer flying through the air in agonizing slow motion. Seriously, remove this sentence.
Reader confusion: What is this deal about shutting off a BMW? I assume the situation is if the car is not in neutral, and the author is relating the damage that could occur in such a situation, to damage from abruptly terminating the computer. Is this the case?
Vocabulary: Vexation- 3. The state or fact of being mentally troubled or distressed, in later use esp. by something causing annoyance, irritation, dissatisfaction, or disappointment.
This word is PERFECT(!!!)
Clarification: "... and sit on the floor in a cone of fury and annoyance...," what does cone mean in this sense? I assume the author is not sitting in a geometric cone, since that seems rather impossible.
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What I like: The description of the computer flying through the air created a vivid, almost movie like image in my mind. Bravo sir. The technical jargon (TRS jack, Cat-6 cable etc) adds to the mechanistic feeling I discussed before. Also, separation of messages from the computer into new paragraphs breaks the text well, and make me, as a reader, feel more like I am actually reading the computer screen.
One more thing I do not care for. The exploding knives in the little imaginary scenario feels over the top to me. I would be much more pleased as a reader if additional description of the computer hitting the ground with plastic snapping, keys popping from the keyboard, and fragile LCD screen shattering into a violent rainbow of whatever is in those things, had been included.
:)
So I really enjoyed this piece but the one comment I have is that the author switches back and forth from first person "I" to a very general voice like a list of instructions. It might work to play with this and see how the piece could work if it was written all as a general instruction manual. (ie tell the reader to imagine "destroying the sinsister contraption" instead of saying "I imagine..")
ReplyDeleteI'm not 100% sure how it would work, its just an idea to think about.
This is very good and resonates very well especially with anyone who had had computer problems (which i think is just about everybody). The details that are provided such as beige green shag carpet and the number of stairs add a very nice detailed touch. One thing I would say is that although I understood all of the technical speak related to the FireWire ports and TRS jacks etc., I could easily see where a less technically inclined would merely be confused and hindered by their inclusion into the narrative. Also, just in my personal opinion, the dream about destroying the laptop was one of the highlights but as i think evan said, i had to look up what an exploding kunai knife was in order to fully understand the idea. Changing that to something like using target practice with an M16 or something just as potent but slightly more recognizable would suffice and create just as humorous an image. Very funny, accurate and well written on the whole
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