Thursday, January 21, 2010
"Trophy" Group 4
I’m grasping the pipe with my right hand, dangling off the ground like a tennis shoe suspended by one of its aglets. In one elongated movement I let go of the bar and collapse in a chair stationed three feet away. It’s a comfortable basement, but not so comfortable that it seems like an annex to my living room; the floor’s carpeted and shelves of books plaster three of the four walls, but the paint on the empty one is peeling and the rug’s at least three decades old… I notice these details in reflection only. I’m too busy recovering. Beads of perspiration descend the surface of my skin, letting go only when the angles of my body become too extreme to support a close relationship. This happens most often at my chin, which on particularly humid days resembles a flesh-colored raincloud. I don’t feel like standing up, so I lean forward a little bit and grab my t-shirt, which I folded on the back of the chair, from behind me. I unfold it and toss it over my face, leaning back in the seat and allowing the cotton to wick away the sweat for me. I’ve got one more set and abs, then I’m done. I stand up carefully (one time I leapt up from this position and grabbed onto the bar like an acrobat, but I guess I changed levels too quickly because next thing I knew I was on the ground, gradually regaining consciousness) and reach up for the bar. Knock ‘em out
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Typo, two periods between sentences (by all accounts third paragraph)"...person I've since become. .All I know..."
ReplyDeleteExcerpt: What kind of pipe are we talking about here? A pipe as in bar of some sort of gym equipment, or are you hanging off a water pipe? The latter would be pretty interesting. Description of the peeling paint is working to set the scene, and even though there is little actual description of the rug "...at least three decades old..." is working perfectly to create an image of faded, stained and dusty rug in my head.
"(one time I leapt up from this position and grabbed onto the bar like an acrobat, but I guess I changed levels too quickly because next thing I knew I was on the ground, gradually regaining consciousness)." This anecdote is interesting, but I feel that it pulls the reader away from a very present tense narration, detracting from the overall feel of the first paragraph.
Rest of the essay: The literature definitely threw in an unexpected twist. That said, I have problems falling in love with this piece. While I grasp the explained conclusion, that the narrator feels his accomplishments are more valuable than the accomplishments of others, i.e. people winning trophies and guzzling protein shakes, I find myself seeking out some greater meaning, and not finding it. On the bright side, the cynicism (if that is the right word) regarding stay-at-home mom's is brilliant and gave me a pretty good laugh. Same with the protein shake comment.
Overall good work; I love the introduction and with a little work I think the rest of the essay can be rallied around a more concentrated theme. Or something...
I know this isn't my group, but I just want to say that I really liked this piece! I was immediately drawn in with the description of the setting and also of the narrator's feelings. I think that because the situation was described so well I could easily sense what narrator was feeling: determination. Really nice descriptions.
ReplyDeleteThis piece works quite well for me. your description of the basement works really well. I enjoy the way you connected the physical workout with the mental training you got over the summer by reading. I like the tone of voice in general.
ReplyDeleteone thing I can't figure out is the way you describe the motion you make in the first few sentences. I can't figure out what's going on there. I'm imagining someone hanging on a bar and then magically jumping across the room and into a chair, which I hope is inaccurate. I also have to agree with Evan M. that the entire essay seems a little bit inconsequential, which isn't necessarily a problem, but... When I finish the essay, I find myself just going, "Meh." Like Evan said, I'm looking for some kind of meaning and not finding any.
In general, try not to be overly verbose. At least, don't sacrifice readability with the use of big words. But I do enjoy this piece because of the narrator's tone and because of the way you describe your surroundings.
I really like this piece and this passage in particular...To echo Evan, the interjected memory of you leaping up, etc. takes a little too much away from the present tense of the exhausted state of the workout. By the time you got to that point in the narrative, I could feel the burn of the workout, and that paranthetical interjection took away from that a little. However, the scene, description, and narrative flow are all superb and allow for me as the reader to really feel connected to the story. Lastly, a sort of nitpicky thing, I didn't know what to make of the comment, "but not so comfortable that it seems like an annex to my living room." I wasn't sure what degree that statement was supposed to give to the level of comfort of the basement. But again, just a nitpicky thing on an overall very good piece.
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