Thursday, January 21, 2010
Summit Day [Group 4. WR 2.]
I blink the sleep out of my eyes, looking around in a daze. I fumble for the alarm button on my watch and grapple with frustration as I try to turn it off. The watch says it’s not even five in the morning. Still not entirely coherent, I struggle with the prospect of leaving my North Face Tundra sleeping bag, which is rated down to negative 15 degrees, and which I only have because my father misread the packing list a few months ago. It’s still dark and, although I do eventually find my headlamp, my glove-liners are soaked, confirming my suspicions that some more snow had indeed fallen overnight. Cursing the absorbent qualities of the stretchy stuff that they’re made of, I struggle with zipper and boot lace and step out into the chill air of the pre-dawn Sawatch backcountry.
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On the excerpt: This first paragraph is effective in catching my interest, setting up time of day and location (as far as scene) and throwing in some humor (the sleeping bag stuff). As far as scene goes, description about where you are actually sleeping would be helpful. I assume you are in some sort of tent, but you never know. This addition would also help with my confusion about your damp gloves. I don't see the logical link between fresh snow and wet glove liners since in my mind snow is not prone to spontaneous melting. The only other comment I have is that a slightly more graphic description of blinking the sleep out of your eyes and looking around dazed would be effective.
ReplyDeleteRest of the essay:
As a reader I would appreciate a bit of explanation to why you can not eat breakfast on summit day. You eat later in the piece so it doesn't seem to be an all day fast and I can't quite figure out the motive behind this.
The short section about walking through the groomed trail is effective in both allowing the reader into the narrator's mind, and to give context to the nature of the expedition.
I have mixed feelings about the attention to detail as far as item names goes. On the one hand I really appreciate the naming, but at the same time I find myself unable to connect images to the names used in the piece. A bit of physical description, about the boots for example, would help me make the connection.
Finally I feel a bit more description of the actual walk to the summit, following the second break in particular, would be useful. It almost jumps right from the first break to the summit and I lose time frame in the process. I feel like a bit more explanation, even overt (something about a watch or the time [you sort of do this with the sun]) would allow readers to better share a sense of accomplishment with the narrator at the end of the climb.