Sometimes you can’t fall sleep at night, and it really bothers you, constantly shifting positions as the pillow gets warm and then trying to sleep face down until you get annoyed because the air feels so stuffy, whatever stuffiness is characterized by, so you just lie down flat on your back again, let your vertebrae stretch out and crackle, and wallow in your insomnia. But sometimes, even if it’s only nine o’clock, and you feel fresh and lively coming out of the shower after putting on your pajamas, and your dad is still at his computer working, and your mom, the lady whose body was used to create you, whose resources you took in exchange for nothing more than fecal matter and discomfort, with her absurd sleeping habits as hers are, had decided to go to bed an hour earlier, you could lie down next to her unconscious body and just let a hand lie atop hers or an arm gently touch down around her, and magically, even if she is completely comatose by that point, you are able to sleep beside her in any contorted, suffocating position you want and feel completely comfortable, forgetting your regrets and shrouding yourself in a nostalgic yet utterly genuine feeling of innocence and security before drifting off within minutes, your consciousness balancing tiptoed on a precipice, just begging for a kiss to tip it into the oblivion beneath, until dad comes to the bedroom and, with jabs and tickles, heaves you back into the real world and off to your own room to go get some real sleep. I guess a mother’s touch is the best sedation there is.
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Goodness gracious, only 3 sentences.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, having experienced the feeling many times, I can attest to your expert description of the feeling of insomnia. I think the run-on-ness of the sentences helps in conveying the more tactile, visceral aspects of this passage. I think the use of the 2nd person also helps the reader to experience things more easily.
Trouble spots: "whatever stuffiness is characterized by" (sounds funny to end a clause with by) and "with her absurd sleeping habits as hers are." (her hers her her hers)
Err, Also I am well aware that I am not at all in this writing group.
ReplyDeleteI think that your conversational style of writing and the way you put a ton of ideas that are very easy to relate to into one piece that pulls the reader through is really good. Its funny and fun to read, and I think that is very important.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I think there are two main issues:
1. While long sentences are cool and can be fun to try and figure out, if you make them too long and deviate too much from your original point, the reader forgets what you are talking about and misses the point. And after a few times of trying to read it and remember and failing, is tempted to just give up.
2. For a short piece like this, I think you try to do too many scenes. I think that if you choose the more important scenes, and then develop them more, especially the main one that runs throughout (which I thought was a very intriguing structure), you could make a more powerful piece. It sort of ends with several good points, but points that seem open ended.
That is just my two sense. I think that you have a really good topic, and that your very unique writing style makes it a lot of fun to read, just don't try to do too much in too little space. It just ends up confusing people, and that seems to counteract the light, comical feeling that your natural style produces. If you need a better clarification of this, just ask me.
I want to know so much more! I love this, a lot. You already know that. And I especially love a couple of your lines where you get all descriptive and use awesome words like this part: "like how you can still see the bright light of the sun in psychedelic red backdrops with pulsating blotches of yellows and oranges through your eyelids on a clear morning and think, Wow, maybe I should wake up now. He read me inside out and decided something was amiss. Maybe I don’t think right" and the part where you use "coconut" instead of head or brain or something more normal. Your voice is amazing.
ReplyDeleteLike Gerson and TJ said, you really make it easy for the reader to relate and the character is great. So...I want to know more. I completely agree with Gerson's second point. If you did fewer scenes you could go more in depth to each of them and make them stronger. I feel like you have to move quickly through a few of them, especially the one with the Spanish student, because otherwise you would have a whole other story on your hands (future weekend writing?)
That said, I do like that you have these other scenes that seem random but actually make the piece a more personal look at the character. So don't get rid of too much, I suppose.
Also, I really like that the piece ends with a long sentence and then a short one. But I would go through the long one and tighten things up, especially paying attention to TJ's suggestions. You can make this sentence really powerful as long as you don't lose the reader right at the end, because it makes you want to reread the sentence and then reread the piece, perhaps.
... two cents, Gerson. Two cents.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning paragraph of asks some cool questions and has a cool idea but you never come back to. I think it could be a very strong beginning if you cut the paragraph out and started with the 2nd para about the spinal tap (which i loved) or if you came back to the idea introduced in the first para later in the piece. Right now, it almost feels like the first para is a prompt to a writing assignment where the author didn't answer the question
ReplyDeleteLike Gerson and Sammy said, I love the conversational pieces. At the end of para 2, you say "oooh, scary." This allows the reader to feel like they are talking to the author and feel his emotion. It would be great if you had more of these in your later anecdotes.
I liked the charactions you talked about but couldn't always picture them. It would be great if you added in a few small detailsabout your characters - their looks, clothing, etc - so the reader had someone in their mind as you talked about them
Page 2 1st full para - you have 2 metaphors in a row and they both have potential to be strong but when I was finished reading it, I was confused and could no longer what the cool metaphor was about - with a little clarification and cutting it will work very well.
I had a similar experience when reading the metaphor at the top of page 5 - it is a really sweet image but I couldn't tell what it was a metaphor for (is it relating to para before it or..)
The paragraphs about your medical visits are all very strong and I think these were your strongest paragraphs. But I had trouble figuring out how they worked together chronologically. It would help if you either made them in order in time or kept them in the order they are currently in but just clarified when in time you are talking about.
Finally, I love the emotion and imagery in the last paragraph. I felt like that little kid falling asleep next to his mom. However, I feel it would be stronger if you used first person "I" instead of "you" because it would add a new demension to the sarcastic funny character that the reader met at the beginning of the piece. Additionally, I think using "I" will help add draw the reader in to the situation even more.
(And b.c. I edited it from the print out of the email you gave me the page numbers match those of a regular word document not the packet)
ReplyDelete