Two hours of walking left scuffs on the street and wore down my shoes. And I could feel my bones. I could see my muscles like little hands squeezing marrow and wincing with every step. My tendons could scream, but I could not say a word. Aimlessness has a habit of ensuing silence. And I have never been quieter than when I had no place to go. I had been silent for two days. It was easy when you had no one to talk to. It was easier when no one insisted on listening.
Across the street from the station’s entrance was a human statue, painted in white, standing on a platform he’d put on the sidewalk. I remembered seeing him before, in the same pose, with his head lowered slightly, arms facing out from his body at the elbows, palms facing up. But he stepped down now from his platform, a fallen angel. It is now the only thing I remember seeing in the square that day.
What I draw from this excerpt is a feeling of loneliness. It doesn't have to be loneliness in a bad way, just the state of being alone. Another thing I take away from it is the character feeling intense pain, which is communicated well. The descriptions of the not-every-day body parts help do that.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that doesn't really work for me is picturing what the human statue was doing. I don't think the description is detailed enough. It's good that you're trying to set the scene, though.
I also like the line "My tendons could scream, but I could not say a word." because it really gives a sense of pain.
This has an interesting mix of weariness in description but a certain blend of excitement in writing. The character seems to be in pain, and perhaps exhausted, yet to me the writing seems to accelerate the more the description goes by. It's a cool dichotomy.
ReplyDeleteAs the commenter above me mentioned, I can't seem to place the statue. Does he perhaps make an appearance beforehand? Also, the pose with arms uplifted and palms up gives me more of a comically hopeless effect than an angelic one.
I think this section creates a lot of wonder for the reader (not confusion). It has great in-depth description and the wording is clear but the idea behind everything, to me, remains somewhat hidden.
ReplyDeleteI also think that some kind of indicator as to where any of this was set (like a city) could have been helpful to help picture the subway or the square. (I think maybe NYC?).
Overall I enjoyed the piece. Easy to read and a good story line. Good job.