Snow is mystifying. Anyone who has ever examined a snowflake will confirm the complexity of their design. While I am skeptical that no identical snowflakes have ever existed, I remain enchanted by their symmetry and perplexed as to how a process as random as freezing water vapor results in such an amazing display of craftsmanship. Snow is spectacular, and it is everywhere. Pillows of winter's beautiful creation drape themselves across the January landscape like a thin layer of Starbucks venti cappuccino froth. Massive crystal stalactites dangle in a furious display of grace and hazard, ice figurines clutching desperately to the sides of normally inglorious buildings. Frightening gusts of wind sweep snow into the air, obscuring visibility in a gentle, almost romantic way. Anyone who has ever seen the forest after a long winter night knows the world's most eloquent description fails to realize winter's splendor.
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Since everyone supposedly read the full submissions by now, I am looking for feedback on the organization of the piece. Comments on transition between paragraphs especially welcomed. Thanks.
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Overall, I liked this a lot…my impression of the organization was that you wanted to go from a happy winter/snow idea transitioning to a crappy winter/snow idea emphasized by the depression ending. Transitions between paragraphs and organization does a lot to accomplish this. Therefore, if you wanted to make the happy to crappy idea stronger, changing the last paragraph’s topic sentence to something like “Snow is sometimes mystifying, but it is really a pain in the ass,” is subtle but is stronger on the crappy end. Overall, the vocab and grammar seemed very well done and the piece flowed well.
ReplyDeleteThis essay was very successful in my opinion. The thematic change from start to finish was clear but remained fairly subtle. The progression from exaltation to despair works very well and invokes the style of William Kennedy. Great use of comparisons and imagery throughout-- I especially liked the comparison to the diet-conscious family with a package of cookies to go through.
ReplyDeleteWhat bothers me the most about this essay is that the rhetoric occasionally tries a bit too hard to the point that it obfuscates your intentions. This especially plagues the second paragraph, in which I ended up reading and re-reading a few sentences to figure out what was going on. Try making some adjustments to your word choice. For example, replace "disciplines" in the sentence about moats (not motes) with something that makes a little more sense.
I may just be missing something, but that Mario reference totally confuses me.
One last thing: The sentence "Young boys, especially susceptible to..." needs to contain verbal nouns instead of verbs-- seeking instead of seek.
All in all, I really enjoyed the unique descriptions and your rhetorical style, there are just a few trouble spots that need fine-tuning.