For the last five years, I have day dreamed of hearing a question I have never heard. I wish again and again that someone will ask me so that I can answer. How many words does it take to define your life? It takes me only one.
I dreamed a dream just once but it will stay with me forever. He walked down the stairs of the house we once lived in and told me it is all just a joke. That he is not dead. Yet even in the most perfect dream I have ever dreamed, he did not walk off the stairs and I could not walk up them.
I woke up to my reality.
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Wow. I love this piece. Everything you have in here is absolutely brilliant, and all I have to say is take it a bit further. When you connected two of your references in saying, "The caged bird sings because it hopes" I literally had to stop reading and just let that statement have its moment. I want more of these moments, and I think you could work these into the piece by threading all of your references through it more cleanly. I want the Pandora and the Lyddie references to connect somehow, either to each other or to something else. I think each makes a powerful statement by itself but they could be even more stunning if they suddenly connected to something else. This pertains especially the Pandora thing because it's so sudden and seems so isolated from everything else.
ReplyDeleteThe point you bring up in the passage above about how even when you were dreaming of the most perfect world you could think of, you could only almost connect with your brother is really powerful. You mention this later when you talk about how you're living for both of you and how you will always define your life by him. I like this because you don't really give us any details about Andrew but we already have this perfect image of him just because he's made such an impact on you.
The beginning does a great job of reaching out to the reader because everyone has a story and everyone knows what it is to not know someone's story. This initial connection is intensified by the emotions brought out in the next couple of paragraphs, and it's really well done as an introduction to the rest of the story. The only thing I would suggest is instead of saying "it will stay with me forever," describe how it affects your daily life or that you think about it so much that it may as well be a nightly dream.
The ending is just more brilliance. Ending on the vivid image of painting your nails red was a perfect choice, and the addition of "and cope" followed by "And scar" are simple enough to give us a full image of you as the narrator which works incredibly as an ending.
this was sweet, not gonna lie. im pretty much agreeing with all of what sammy said, though ill say a few things to help critically.
ReplyDeletefirst, i think the time spent on hope as you approach the end doesnt get enough time compared to the heartbreak described. the piece feels unbalanced and hastily ended because of it, if you ask me.
second, while it may be that i just havent experienced that before, i'm left wondering what you're hoping for. so i take it your life has an absence (an absence that defines you). and that theres a mortal depression somewhere there. but the feeling of hope right now is coming off as a heartfelt, but somewhat generic, tagline. like the kind of thing you would see accompanied with hearts written with a sharpie on some teenager's hand. you know what i mean, i suppose. i wish that was developed more. because i like the turn for the positive, but it feels a little unsatisfying to me.
third, related to the turn to the positive, i wish there was some more hints to positivity beforehand. apart from your composure responding to the fat woman, the majority of the story comes off as almost overbearingly depressing until the very end. i understand ur deeply affected by andrew's passing, but it feels hard to swallow that you're as hopelessly depressed six years later, as the majority of the story suggests. i'd like a tinge of normalcy somewhere in there. not as fluff; tightness is good; but as a buffer for the emotional gauntlet. you demonstrate that with the very end, painting nails and scarring; but i dont feel like that's enough for me.
and i like the lack of description/embodiment of andrew. not only does it leave us to assign our own characteristics to him, or what exactly happened, but it also allows us to view him as an abstraction that defines you as opposed to a sort of clone-like connotation of definition. i like it.
yeah, so good job overall. im squeezing to get some criticism out.
I thought this story was pretty incredible and extremely powerful, especially cause I knew almost at the onset what it was about since I have known you for a long time. I think that omar's and sammy's points are all very good, I really like the beginning and ending especially, and the way you tie in the references and then bring them back later. BUt with that, I want more. I think that there is a lot more room for your voice to balance the other people's quotes.
ReplyDeleteRemembering vividly for myself when I was told of this and remembering when it was, the one thing I kinda wanted more of in this piece was more about you and your mother, especially about you when this happened and you were much younger. I feel that this could really add to the piece, and that you don't need to do much with it, but like you did with the "heave set" (way to be pc!) woman, you could throw in more scenes and images of things that happened. What was it like at that age? How was dealing with it in school? Things like that. I don't want to pry, especially cause I know this was a very difficult time period, but if you are comfortable adding more in, I think it could really add a lot. Just cause I feel like the voice is incredible, and combining that with the scenes I know are there could make this piece even more amazing.
But once again I just want to say wow. I am impressed not only that this is so well written and has so many good aspects, but also that you could write about this. That really shows a strength of character and really says a lot about you, which I think adds to the power of the voice. So just wow. I was stunned when I read this, absolutely stunned. Amazing job and I would love to see more if you do edit this.