Standing there, we were like a raccoon, its eyes gleaming with the beauty of the thing it just grabbed, that shiny thing down at the bottom of the hole in the log, the hole through which we could just barely sneak our arm, enabling us to grasp that shiny thing down at the bottom, the thing we had to have. Forget that the arm now was too big to get out, we were not letting go. It was shiny.
If ya'll could tell me what you think as my point and then tell me what you thought was unnessary and could be cut and why. I know it was long, but I felt that I needed it to make it worth reading and get my point across, so let me know what you think.
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I don't know how you do it, but this piece works. Reading it from the perspective of someone not looking for only 800 words, it goes really quickly and actually flows well. I'm going to give you the advice you give me and just say that you need to know exactly what you're saying and go and cut anything that isn't important to that point. But then you need to go back through and fill in the gaps in description and character development because your descriptions really do add a lot to the story but there are a lot of them.
ReplyDeleteThe part that bothers me the most, aside from the various grammar mistakes, is calling the characters Yale Grad and Harvard Grad. It really detracts from relating to the characters, and even the craziness of the storm is dulled because it's hard to relate to the character. Even calling them father and brother would be better.
Your metaphors are hilarious and perfect for describing the situation you want to describe. They're really good breaks from the craziness of the rest of your sentences because they're so easy to relate to and they pull the reader along. Don't cut them.
I still don't know what your point is exactly, beyond the fact that you were lucky and you were supposed to be so evolved and so smart at the same time that you were blatantly stupid. Your intelligence meant nothing because it really was pure instinct that kept you alive.
The second half of the piece (staring once the storm hits) is insanely strong and kept me interested. The metaphors apply very well and the reader can feel the panic and various emotions of the author.
ReplyDeleteIn the paragraph where you guys are looking over the cliff (starts with "some 15 minutes later the 3 of us stood...)has a metaphor about baby animals and our 30sec attention spans. This metaphor makes it seem as if the grandeur of the view only lasts a few seconds and then is no longer impressive. However, later in the paragraph there is a metaphor about the racoon holding something shiny. These two metaphors controdict each other and make it hard to understand the emotion of the author.
As I said, I love the ending and think the piece would be stronger if there was more foreshadowing towards what is going to happen. You have one line about a sign that says 100 peo. died here and you might also want to add in another line about the danger of storms in this area.
Like Sammy, I thought you focused too much on the fact that your brother and father went to ivy league schools. I understand the point of mentioning it (the idea of educated mind v. instinct) but wanted to know more about them. It would be helpful if at the beginning of the piece you gave more descriptions of them.
Finally, the first mini-paragraph at the beginning of the piece is not as strong as the rest of the piece. The whole piece is very strong and a pleasure to read. However, I think it could use a beginning that helped draw the reader in and alluded to what was going to come. Also, I think that starting with the harvard, yale, Dao thing might deter some readers from reading it because it alludes that the piece will be about something different then it actual is and doesn't have the voice and purity of emotion that comes later in the piece.
I have nothing new to add except that Tao starts with a T. Tao. "Dao" is not a word. Tao. If you're going to discuss something in an essay, not to mention all the time in conversation, please learn how to spell it.
ReplyDeleteI won't bother telling you that both are right, and that Tao is actually the older one. Ask Mr. Harris or look it up on Wiki, neither are ever wrong.
ReplyDeleteok so there was both pretty decent, detailed images that you made in some parts of the piece, but there was also a lot of annoying stuff, not because the writing is particularly bad or the story particularly boring or anything, but because of three main things.
ReplyDeletefirst, the way you refer to things gets ridiculous, fast. harvard grad. yale grad. and seriously, potty trained? and then proceeding to call all three of you collectively as "smart guys?" ughhhhh the self deprecating/contradictory feeling of that is soooooo... ughhhh. does not work for me at all. you can stress rationality and knowledge in much more effective ways, if you ask me.
second, you make a lot of things too obvious. you build up the snacktime too much; get rid of the rhetorical question. don't tell me that the way you speak reflects daoist wisdom--obviously, you started off with it, so i should be looking for that. and at the end, don't tell me about how your journey is a way of realizing your place in the greater circle of life--i feel like you're doing way too much of the interpretation for me and that kinda messes up my independent evaluation of your images.
third, somehow, even though you reveal so much, i still am kind of missing a resounding point of the essay apart from something pointing out a difference between primal instincts and rationality. it's not a strong impact for me; i don't really feel like this piece provokes any interesting thoughts or statements apart from a beaten down appreciation of a simpler, more brutal, and more natural world that you get to experience from this hiking trip.
the second paragraph in the piece and the last couple paragraphs, like the others said, do come out much better than the rest. their reliance on more pure images and allusion as opposed to the overexaggerated judgment calls you describe work a lot better for me.