I couldn’t look. I walked right past the back of car and toward the automatic doors. They welcomed me, opening and engulfing me in a rush of heat. I appreciated it, but really, all I wanted was shampoo and conditioner.
Walking through aisles of drug stores pulls you into reality. The long, pink tinted double row of Valentines Day merchandise causes you to remember how late in the year it’s gotten and the unidentifiable blue fish that sings McDonald’s Fillet-O-Fish song reminds you how far fast food has grown. And in your head, you sing, “Give me that Fillet-O-Fish! Give me that fish!”
I stop to look at a baby shirt that says, “I cry when ugly people hold me.” I would get my kid that shirt, I thought. But maybe not have them wear it around family, just in case. But I guess that would only matter if I weren’t disowned after yet another car debacle.
The piece shifted tenses a lot and was sort of confusing in some parts. You went from describing the event in the past to describing it in the present.
ReplyDeleteTo me the piece flowed well and really led nicely to the end where it was clear that the narrator had damaged the car. That was nice. The descriptions throughout the whole thing like the convenient items at the checkout were solid and gave good images.
I'm confused as to why you chose the title you did. I can't really find a significance of the infusium 23. Maybe that's just me. If you were just pulling something out of the piece, you could've just named it "Baby Shirt" or "Dog Snuggie" (which I thought was hilarious and literally laughed out loud at) as a title. But "Infusium 23" really did draw me into the essay.
I'd just watch your tense shifting because that was the most detrimental part of the piece for me.
I liked it, though.
I really liked the beginning and I thought the emotions came out really clearly. I actually had an image in my head of sitting at the drugstore not wanting to go in but knowing you had to and half wanting to get it over, too. That was really well done. I liked the title Infusium 23, if only because it does draw the reader into the essay. It also points out the fact that the point was to get shampoo.
ReplyDeleteI want more descriptions of the people in the drugstore, because people watching is often the best form of distraction. The descriptions you have are interesting and well done, as Evan said, I just think you could expand upon this to describing the people too.
I like the "i cry when ugly people hold me" shirt and the funny little tidbits like that . I really like the descriptions of the drug store and the things in it. I'm a little confused as to what the piece is ultimately trying to achieve though. What is the total meaning. Is it just shampoo?
ReplyDeleteI think the content is really good. I like the variable sentence patterns and lengths and the amount of detail described througout the piece. I think this piece could be expanded a lot becuase I was left wondering about a couple things still and I would like to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Evan about the tense shifting a little bit but that can easily be cleaned up. I think this was a great story with a lot more potential. Nicely done!