Wednesday, January 20, 2010
If I Could (Group 2 Captain School WW 2)
Suzy didn’t lift her head off the pillow to look at who walked in and just yelled “go back to bed.” She thought it was Sarah’s younger sister, Hannah, coming in for the fifteenth time that night because she couldn’t sleep. Once she saw it was me, I told her between gasping tears that I couldn’t sleep without my Simba and she held me in her arms until I fell asleep snuggling next to her.
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I know I'm not in your reading group but I am bored and no one from mine has posted yet.
ReplyDelete--
The first concern I have is of consistency. You make a big point to emphasize Sarah TUCKER, saying that "To me, she has always been Sarah Tucker. not Sarah. Sarah Tucker." I think these sentences are working, at the very least, to hook me into reading further to figure out why in gods name you address someone, presumably a friend, by their first and last names. The problem is that you start the second paragraph with "Sarah and I..." not Sarah Tucker and I. On a basic level this simply detracts from the first paragraph, and disrupts my involvement as a reader since I have to step aside and wonder what just happened. More problematic yet is the diminishing effect this presumably typographic error has on the pieces authenticity. Your assertions in sentences one to three look entirely fictional, though I don't mean to insinuate they are, when you fail to adhere to them first thing in the second paragraph. It is also worth noting you fall victim to the same inconsistency in the third to last paragraph (and probably other places in the piece). I implore you to go back through and make sure "Tucker" follows every "Sarah."
As I read paragraph two I suffered a bit of a gender assignment crisis. On the one hand common sense and observation tells me preschooler's generally do not have good/best friends of the opposite sex, though such is not unheard of. A slave to stereotypes as I am, there are two instances in the second paragraph that lead me to believe the narrator is a boy (yes I read the rest and realize the narrator is actually 100% genuine female). First, Sarah's voice is described as cute. I have never heard a girl refer to another girl's voice as cute. I am not even sure I have heard a guy make such a comment, though it seems much more likely. I figure as an author you are reflecting back, and as an adult find child's voices cute. Resist the temptation to add this as it destroys my image of the narrator. The second reason, I feel an urge to label you male is your description of lunch. Sarah conforms to the girls don't eat anything stereotype while our narrator eats anything, and totes a "bulging" lunch box. My sister has had quite a few lunch boxes, none of which I would ever describe as bulging. This conclusion is of course based on my limited life experience and inability to see past my conceptions of how things should be, as obviously I concluded incorrectly. You are in fact a girl, that or a boy who plays with American Girl Dolls, but that's a stretch, even for me.
The main thing I recommend to enhance the piece is a more fleshed out final paragraphs. I believe they start with "To this day..." These paragraphs are still effective, and transmit the purpose of the essay well, I just can not help feeling ripped off when I compare them to the beginning of the essay. I particularly enjoy the, "I would write a paragraph..." sentences.
As a final point, I am curious about the last sentence. The feeling I get, from this sentence and your comments about never watching Sarah Tucker dance is that you feel too proud for yourself, or feel ashamed at your separation. Is either of these on the mark? A few more hints to the reader might prove useful.
Good job taking a personal experience and explaining it in a way everyone, or at least I can relate to. Cause you know... I'm the most important and all that.
I like this piece in that it does a very good job conveying the emotions, and making the reader feel, which I think really adds to the power of the piece. I really like the ending, especially with the "I would write a paragraph...if I could," but I also wanted more. I like the last line, but as evan suggested, it seems a little out of place. I wonder if the organization of this could maybe be done better. there seem to be obvious breaks in thoughts, and I wonder if throwing the parts of the end in those places could help make the emotions you are trying to get across stronger, and make the piece as a whole more powerful. With this I also would have liked the part about sleeping over at the end, so that it went from the falling sleep next to her mother to the Sarah (Tucker) attended everyone of... I just think that would maybe make it stronger, cause I felt similar vibes from those sections.
ReplyDeletethe other thing, which I think will help solve some of evan's issues as well, is just to put more description in this. Little kinds especially tend to be much more moved by the scene and how things feel and look, not just what they mean. I think this is especially prevelant in the scene where she goes crying into Suzy's room, because a description of the parents sleep and the mom would seem in order, and I think could help add a lot.
I really like the idea of this and the emotions, but really I just want more. More of the ending, more description, stuff like that. I also think that the organization could maybe help, but that could also just be my personnel taste. but I liked it, and unlike what evan said, everyone knows I am the most important, so that is all that matters.
I agree with a lot of what Evan and Gerson said, especially about the ending. I really liked the beginning part about how your name becomes your first name and last initial. It's so genuine and instantly makes it easy for the reader to relate to everything you're saying. I think I would keep more of these examples throughout the rest of the piece. Also I agree with Evan's point about calling the voice "cute," what did it actually sound like? Did it always remind you of...?
ReplyDeleteAt the end when you're reflecting about how the two of you grew apart, show us that you did. Maybe you walked past her in the hall one day and she didn't wave or something. Or maybe you had a story to tell her but then something stopped you from calling her to tell her. I think this story makes a perfect statement about losing friendship and how people can grow apart, but it would make the statement even better if the reader could figure it out through images instead of being told.
The story about Simba is adorable. The fact that you felt that comfortable with her parents tells us a lot about your relationship. I think I would just go into more images during this part, conveying the particular perspective of a kid like you had earlier.
i felt a little blah about this one. before i say anything substantive, a little proofreading can help; it seems there are a number of awkward constructions, grammatical farts, and redundancies that show up throughout the piece, as well as phrases and info that don't really seem to fit in or build anything. like the political correctness thing about Simba. or the names of sarah tucker's parents. i think it's better letting them be anonymous since the climax of the story revolves around just how little you really knew about her life. but those aren't really biggies.
ReplyDeletemy first complaint is just that you say too much at what i see is the most important part of the story. i don't need you to tell me explicitly that you had no prior experience with money, or that inequities didn't make sense to you. i think that that could have been described a lot more powerfully.
second, the ending goes off with a fizzle. i dont think you spend enough time talking about you and sarah growing apart, so i lost interest as i got to the end of the piece. it seemed kind of synthetic.
finally it seems like the title doesnt really live up to the story. the motif of the "if i could" stuff only comes at the very end, and it doesn't really resound; i think this is linked to my second point. it really should, though, because it seems like this could be a lot more touching if the regret/nostalgia at the end really came out stronger.
that, and most of what evan and gerson said. i am fairly certain sarah tucker is female hahah