I am afraid of heights. I’m no expert on the heredity of fears, but it may be something I picked up from my mother. A well placed, swaying, “Too high!” - granted it’s usually from me - is enough to draw at least a giggle from anyone in earshot. It was spring break seventh grade at some sort of street festival in Phoenix. There was one of those free standing rock climbing walls set up, and after my brother and I each made it to the top, Mom decided to try too. In a sort of reverse fish tale, it is now commonly accepted that my six foot tall mother got all of one foot [not twelve inches, one of her own two] off the ground before proclaiming she was too high yet refusing to come down. She clung to that wall like a champ.
I am a counselor at a summer camp. I love everyday of it, but I have been scheming to get out of the hell that is known as the barn ever since I got jumped with it my first day as a Counselor in Training. So in the first week of camp that is precamp, before any of the campers arrive, I signed myself up for wall training. The forty-foot tall ‘vertical playground’ is a triangle with a rock wall on one side, a giant’s ladder on another, and some sort of jungle gym with some ropey bits, a nettish thing, and a few tires. From the top there’s a zip line that goes all the way across a huge field and stops at the edge of the woods.
I really enjoyed the story, but I think it could be even better if you incorporated more descriptions, particularly of scene. There are a lot of descriptions I really like, such as the "Emma is a ball of crazy" line. However, in the first paragraph, you write about your mom's experience of rock climbing at a street festival in Phoenix, but you don't describe the scene in much detail. Maybe give more descriptions about the street festival (what was the weather like... what moods were your brother and you in... etc.).
ReplyDelete"It a sort of reverse fish tale" I think is a typo so just fix that. :-)
You do a nice job of describing the experiences when you and some of your family members where stuck on the wall-- however, I think that more strongly emphasizing the emotions of the characters would make the experiences stand out even more. Maybe describe what you were thinking as you clung to the wall, or even metaphors could better depict those scenarios.
I also noticed that typo and I think also "a giant's ladder one another"......maybe "on another"?
ReplyDeleteI think that there could be more scenery, but I love the understatement of your fear. How it seems terrifying to you but you says "minor hyperventilation" and "brushing it off" and when your sister panics then you let go and let your fear show through.
I think you could describe more, but it's up to you because at the same time I like how the lack of description adds to the person. The description of "ropey bits, nettish thing" are really good. It gives her a personality.
Thanks!
ReplyDeleteAbout the describing the scene thing, when Mr Harris spent 15 minutes in class talking about how important it was to always describe the setting and everything I was like ooh jeez. this could be bad.
Kind of going off what you guys are saying.. I really enjoyed the piece. But one little thing: at the beginning you explain how you and your mom are afraid of heights. You might be able to just cut this description out and just show how your mom is afraid of heights, you are afraid of heights, and then your sister. You are a good writer and therefore don't need to explicitly say it, the reader will be able to infer the idea of possible heredity of fear from the descriptions. (its like how teachers always say show don't tell)
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