As usual, the icy metal chairlift-couch charged at the back of our knees, forcing us to sit down and feel the nerve-piercing winter wind whip our faces. I tried to avoid eye contact with the stranger, but I began seeing him in my peripheral vision. He was a middle-aged man—probably in his mid-fifties—and had muddy brown eyes and black hair with a chalky coating. Lots of hair—in fact, it seemed like his hair was devouring his entire body. I almost asked him why he wasn’t satisfied with his own fur coat and needed a ski jacket.
I’d almost calmed myself of my situation of not only being with a complete stranger, but also of having to site in the middle of the chairlift without any bars on my sides to clench, until the furry animal man spoke.
“I’m totally ready to catch some air today!” he exclaimed.
I tried to ignore his remark and give a simple head gesture of response. And then he tried again.
“I’m just repeating what my 12-year old son said!”
I started to question him and his reasons for talking to my sister and me, and once again we anxiously exchanged glances. The awkward silence allowed my suspicion to amplify and become impractical.
I thought this was really good. Love the description "his hair was devouring his entire body", and wondering why he would need a coat. I also like how the ending says you felt safe when you hit the ground. I like that it works for safety from the gorilla man and safety from the chair lift at the same time. The parallel to your fear at the waterpark was also helpful to understanding the "I"'s fear. I felt like I was there with you on the chair lift because of the description of the body language.
ReplyDeleteI think I like the question inside her head paragraph. I think I would maybe put more of that earlier on. Another short questioning of what would happen if you fell from the chair lift, or something similar to the questioning of the gorilla man's intentions.
I agree with Jessie, I love all the little comments like wondering why he needed a coat and calling him a "furry animal man." The story itself is also really funny.
ReplyDeleteTheres a couple lines that are awkwardly worded. I understand what you are trying to say, but it gets kind of confusing. Such as "I’d almost calmed myself of my situation" and "I began seeing him in my peripheral vision."
Also, kind of a small thing, but theres a lot of details that are really vague and maybe you did this on purpose, but when you say "a simple head gesture of response" it could be like "a head nod" to make it more specific and kind of ground it. Or there's another part where you say "some minutes" where it could be like "a few" or "three" or whatever.
But i think you did a really good job getting across the sense of both your fear and the awkwardness of the chair ride.