Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fragile- Group 3
They are the stairs that even dogs and cats are afraid of, with the space in between each stair like they’re waiting for you to be sucked in. A troll or some other grotesque creature had to be living happily under these dank stairs. After holding your breath up the stairs and sighing that you managed to live to the top, the apartment is hardly a reward. A narrow, dimly lit hallway takes you past a tiny bedroom and into the cavernous dining room. Just when you think the place may be more than the sad first impression, the boar’s head stapled to the wall jumps out at you. It gets me every time. My eyes jump from the boar, to the birds, to the fish, all glued, lifeless, hovering over the room. It smells like the place has never opened a window. I stand with my shoulders tense, arms pulled in at my sides afraid to bump into some other beast I may have missed on the previous trips. My brain was buzzing with the possibility of anyone sleeping here without being terrified some sort of cockroach won’t crawl out from the woodwork.
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I thought this was a great piece. You set the scene of the apartment very nicely, and I like how you paint a picture of the rooms, even down to their smells. You use a lot of well placed metaphors and descriptions, and I can feel a sense of your personality throughout the story.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could emphasize the ending a little more, or get to that part a little sooner (though it might be difficult since there are so many necessary details in the preceding paragraphs). Also, maybe you could give some more descriptions of your uncle.
This is way late, sorry.
ReplyDeleteI really like this piece. The story is funny and really well told. I love the description of the apartment especially all the little things in it. I think each little thing gives the overall picture of how cluttered the apartment is. I also like the part where you are quoted. I can definitely picture you saying that. I also really liked when your leg is through the stairs and you try to grab at the plate that is is tumbling through the air. I think it shows that, despite how much you hate on all the stuff in the apartment, you care about it because you dont want to hurt your uncle.
I kind of disagree with Jackie in that i think you should definitely keep all the build up, i think it makes the end more dramatic. But i do think you could emphasize it a little bit more.
Also, unless i am missing it somewhere, you never really indicate how old you are. I think it would make a difference if we knew if this happened 3 months ago or when you were 8.