My main concerns:
Too long without saying enough.
How are the foot notes working?
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The trip back across Proulx probably took longer than the first voyage, though I made little effort to notice a difference at the time. The water had calmed substantially in our absence like a child rocked into slumber by the loving touch of a frustrated mother. The sun seized its opportunity to vanish, leaving only the now lofty moon as a specter of its once warming vitality. Pulling into port on our newly colonized campsite we found ourselves met with great enthusiasm. Quite impressed with ourselves as well, the campsite turned into an open mic where tales of mosquito inhaling, tree felling manliness penetrated the otherwise placid night air. A warm pea soup, heated by the firewood we had collected earlier sat at attention for our hungry stomachs, a welcome homecoming after an exhausting day of paddling and heroism. Though the first breaths of independence day had yet to be exhaled, we tossed a few parched pine branches from our impressive pile onto the fire, producing a brilliant blaze and magnificent series of pops and cracks as the long past expired needles cried out in agony. Finishing my soup and overcome with a profuse sense of exhaustion I made my way back to our temporary shelter, a tent defined by sharp angles and a rain fly that formed a cave like entry way that could be sealed off entirely. Sliding into the claustrophobia inducing chrysalis of my sleeping bag, who's brand name I cannot recall, I pondered over the idea of awaking to find myself being shredded into a bloody mess by confused, or perhaps simply bored bear in some grim twist of fate. I have a thing for irrational fears, but pushed the thoughts out of my head, the prospect simply too improbable to entertain. Besides, tomorrow would be the fourth of July, and then the fun would really begin.
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I think the long sentences work well. In my opinion, they set off the first-person narrative in a good way. It makes it seem like a stream-of-consciousness kind of thing. That said, I have two problems with this piece. The first is proofreading. There are a few mistakes that are repeated throughout and they obfuscate the meaning in places. Be careful to separate subordinate clauses with commas, don't forget to hyphenate (claustrophobia-inducing), don't mix up your whose and who's.
ReplyDeleteThe second is that this whole essay is pretty much riddled with modifiers. I think you are overusing adjectives and adverbs a little bit. Harris talked to us about this--it's important to set the scene, but if you overuse modifiers it starts sounding awkward. I like your use of sophisticated words, just don't lay it on too thick. Too much of a good thing.
All in all, I'm pre-disposed to this piece because it's about camping. I like the story and I like the narrative style. Just be careful not to be too verbose.