Monday, January 25, 2010
Fern- WW 3- Group 3
I look over her patient chart; according to the doctor, she’s also due for a shot today. As I slowly inject the needle into her skin, her once gleaming eyes begin to appear fatigued and full of desperation. She lets out a faint wail, complaining that the shot gives her a burning sensation. All I can say is, “I know. I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you.” My emotions conflict, as I want to do all I can to make her feel better, yet I’m the one inflicting the pain. As I put a band-aid on the spot where her skin was punctured, Fern turns her jaded face towards mine, and softly asks, “So many of my friends my age are still able to mow their lawns, go running, and dance… Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I do what I used to be able to do anymore?” I stare back blankly without an answer, wondering why. I began to see through her façade of bright pink sunglasses and tacky shoes, and realize that she’s just like any person who loses hope and has to confront pain. However, this reflection only lasts for a minute; she soon looks back at the young boy and proceeds to babble on about her messed up nails and next hair appointment.
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Not my group, but I'd just like to say that I think what is written here is brilliant. The narrator's and Fern's emotions are described so clearly and eloquently. I can get so much out of just this little excerpt, like Fern's desire to be like her friends or the narrator's regret that he/she has to treat Fern.
ReplyDeleteIt's so emotional. I can't wait to read the entire thing!
Are we supposed to have some sort of criticism in the blog comments? I really don't have any. But, just in case we are, you don't need the comma after "Fern turns her jaded face towards mine". I don't think you do at least.
Evan's right, you don't need a comma there.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this piece, and I really want more details. I think a lot of times you'll give a great detail and then tell us what it means when really you could just describe the image more and achieve the same effect. In this section, you say, "I began to see through her façade of bright pink sunglasses and tacky shoes, and realize that she’s just like any person who loses hope and has to confront pain." The image of the sunglasses and tacky shoes is great, but first what makes the shoes tacky? Give us something so that we infer tacky. What do you see in her expression that makes you realize this? Jaded is a great adjective that you use earlier on, and you could definitely expand upon this idea so you don't have to tell us so much. Maybe she dropped the smile and you could see that she was worried by the wrinkles near her eyes. I think the ending is amazing though, because it shows us that she's living anyway even faced with this unavoidable loss.
Your dialogue is also really well done and tells a lot about the characters. Jane is a really well-developed presence in the story even though all we see of her is one scene with a bit of dialogue.
I agree that this story is great, and I want to read more. The end is really strong that you have that moment, so I would elaborate it a little more. Like Sammy said more physical description would really tie the reader to the moment as well. I would like to hear Fern describe how she feels now compared to what she used to do instead of just saying that she can't do stuff anymore, be specific. I like Fern saying "honey bunch" throughout the piece, it makes her character very sweet and old lady like.
ReplyDeletePersonally I would like to say the the "young man" is the grandson from the beginning because it kind of threw me off when you did say it was her grandson later.
Overall, really good story. Love the image you/Fern presents on the outside and then revealing her vulnerability in the end was great.