Her blouse rippled and bounced as she pranced in the kitchen of the large farmhouse out in the Filipino provinces. The late afternoon sun softly penetrated the large glass windows that formed a tropically pastoral view into the farmland behind the house, surrounded by hectares of rainforest, rice fields, orchards, gardens, and birds of paradise. Aunt Carlyn walked from the small pond just outside the kitchen. She balanced on the tips of her clogs to reach the warm door handle, careful not to drop the shallow, red plastic pail dangling from her elbow.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Ducky - Wknd Writing #2, Group #2
Her eyelids snapped shut and reopened, each curly black eyelash in line flapping in unison, shutting out the light from her beady, brown eyes for forgettably short fragments of time. Each blink was accompanied with a clumsy thump of wooden clogs suited for the rain season smacking against the cool marble floor in a dotted waltz, causing her deep breaths of hot, humid air to be fully audible under the synchronized spikes of giggles, accompanied with a Duchenne smile. Creases punctuated my mom’s smooth, twelve-year-old cheeks, her teeth bared and her jaw contorted in childish genuineness.
Her blouse rippled and bounced as she pranced in the kitchen of the large farmhouse out in the Filipino provinces. The late afternoon sun softly penetrated the large glass windows that formed a tropically pastoral view into the farmland behind the house, surrounded by hectares of rainforest, rice fields, orchards, gardens, and birds of paradise. Aunt Carlyn walked from the small pond just outside the kitchen. She balanced on the tips of her clogs to reach the warm door handle, careful not to drop the shallow, red plastic pail dangling from her elbow.
Her blouse rippled and bounced as she pranced in the kitchen of the large farmhouse out in the Filipino provinces. The late afternoon sun softly penetrated the large glass windows that formed a tropically pastoral view into the farmland behind the house, surrounded by hectares of rainforest, rice fields, orchards, gardens, and birds of paradise. Aunt Carlyn walked from the small pond just outside the kitchen. She balanced on the tips of her clogs to reach the warm door handle, careful not to drop the shallow, red plastic pail dangling from her elbow.
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I really like this piece for the really good descriptions that create concrete images in my mind that really enables me to see the scene and imagine the people. Personally I want to see more of the ending, just adding another layer onto the piece besides just describing something. I also think the one moment where you go into your own voice in the middle of the story (towards the end), like cut in and out, is powerful and good, and I wonder if you could do that more? Just because its obvious you are telling it from an outside perspective (like even without knowing who wrote it I believe I could tell), and maybe throwing your voice as the narrator in more earlier would be cool. But again good descriptions, and I really like how you make it come alive. the only other thing is if maybe you wanted to do a little more character development beyond what we have; its good enough, but I wonder if it would be stronger if you added more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Gerson in that you have really good descriptions and also really do make an amazing household scene. I loved the characters in the story and I actually think they're done very well. Even Ducky is a well-developed character. I loved the idea of the ending but I just think a clearer connection would make it stronger. I thought the actual stepping on Ducky's beak was very well done but could be embellished, too. You start off with a very good personal experience from the perspective of your mother, and I'd like more genuine voice throughout the rest of the piece. This could come from the narrator or from the imagined perspective of your mother. But I really did love this piece. It was happy without being insincere or contrived, and that's impressive.
ReplyDeleteLike Sammy and Gerson, I really enjoyed this piece and loved the images. One of my favorite images is the description of your grandfather blowing the smoke into the rooster's face.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that the ending is as strong as it could be and the voice changes and seems a little less pure of emotion. You might want to end the piece with the image of ducky and his ducklings.
Two small formatting things - because this is a CNF piece, everything needs to be 100% true unless you say as I picture it. For example, you describe the "late afternoon sun." Unless you are 100% sure that this exact scene happened in late afternoon, you need to start the piece with something like.. I picture my mother. Also, I am not sure that the footnotes are the best construction choice. They were a bit destracting and I think you might be better to just add that information into the body of the piece.