Dear Valued Customer,
You may not remember me, but I am the boy who cashiered for you at the grocery store the other day. At Heinen’s our top priority is outstanding customer service. It’s hard to give friendly service to people who treat me inhumanely. You may not have thought that I was worth the $5.13 you paid for your lunch, but cashiers are also people and deserve to be treated as such. I’m just as vulnerable to a disease as the next person, so I didn’t appreciate it when you blatantly coughed on me as I was ringing your items. You probably contaminated some of your food because you didn’t cover your mouth, and in doing so you might have caused your children to be fighting a cold they shouldn’t have. Please think about this.
Until next week,
Your local Heinen’s cashier
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This is really cool. I like the parallel structure and also how you tell specific stories within each little letter, like the one about Professor Paws. I think more details like the crisp bills and vacuumed trunk would make all of the stories more personal, though the other things you notice like the sick children in this passage work very well. The little things that you notice are what make the letters so unique. I also really enjoyed the sarcasm in the third letter about how lucky the customer was that you fell and hit your head on their trunk to close it, because it still conveys the rather traumatic event while giving a nice touch of voice.
ReplyDeleteI thought that each letter, individually was really well done. They made me laugh and I liked the fact that it was so professional but also critical. Like, "You're a jerk... sir."
ReplyDeleteBut I think you could have more of a congruency or flow of these. They didn't seem to come together as well. I don't exactly know how you'd do it, but maybe have only one of those nicer interactions at the end. Then you get the point of "being a cashier sometimes sucks, but THIS (this ONE thing) is why I still do it."
I like the somewhat dark humour mixed with real personal appeal in this excerpt. However, while these work well as individual tidbits, (i echo the poster above me) the flow of these seems a little off. Whats the overarching goal the piece is trying to reach?
ReplyDeleteHaha I really liked this one overall. I thought the idea was great and I could feel a connection with the Heinen's worker. I think it began to get a little redundant most likely because of the 800 word minimum. I think it would be difficult to make all the letters unique but I am sure it could be done. The only other thing is that I doubted one or two sentences from these letters. I feel like they would have possibly been sent to the customers and that a couple sentences would not have actually been said as the way they are now and then sent.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I loved the idea and thought it was executed very well. Keep up the good work!