I tell myself I think, therefore I am. Buddhism teaches that it is all a play. Like Daoism says, Pooh Bear just is. I could never be. I tell myself God does not exist. I do not tell myself that if God does not exist, then he cannot hate me. When I performed a play in middle school, I tripped and broke my nose.
Bokonon teaches: People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in order, so they’ll have good voice boxes in case there’s ever anything really meaningful to say.
Maybe it is the same with the mind.
I told you this was all a lie. So why did you believe it?
If you guys could organize the paragraphs, or parts of paragraphs into two columns (what you believe is true, and what you believe is false) that would be great. Please put them all somewhere, even for the ones you are not sure. This in and of itself will tell me what was successful and what was not. Thanks.
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I hate that I believe every paragraph in this piece. I suppose the only statement I don't believe is "Everything I'm about to say is a lie." That's good writing, though, if I can actually believe what's happening.
ReplyDeleteI think the structure works well. It's obvious that you have a parallel structure, but the contradictions are subtle enough and different enough to keep the reader interested. And the end is just brilliant, because there's no way to just answer that question and move on. You have to read the story again. And, in my case at least, again and again until you go insane trying to figure it out. But that's not the point. It makes you think.
The first problem is that if I didn't already know you, there's a lot that I wouldn't understand and more that I wouldn't care about. You have to be careful with your descriptions of particular details in Pokemon and Transformers because it's difficult to give enough context to understand. I feel like I know the character, but I'm not sure that this is would be a universal feeling. The point of view of the character that we're following is clear, but when you contradict yourself as you do in this piece, the character has to be what's holding it together.
I'm missing scene. There are great images but I think that overall, this could benefit from some more detailed descriptions. These descriptions could lead the reader to conclusions without you having to say them. Again, it's just something to tie the piece together.
I also still want to line edit this and change minuscule words because I think it would really benefit the overall meaning. If a reader has to read this multiple times and there's one word out of place, they're going to notice and it's going to detract from the overall meaning. Also, if they're trying to figure out the truth, the reader's going to over-analyze everything, so you have to be sure you're saying exactly what you want to say with everything you've written. Maybe this is already happening, but it's something to keep in mind.
Still, as much as I hate believing it, I do want to figure it out. It sticks with me. I want to know what you were thinking while writing it and if I actually know what's going on at the same time that I want it to stay a mystery.
With the construction of the piece, I disagree with Sammy's statement. I wanted parallel construction between the two halves (you start doing it then break from the pattern). I think it would add a lot to the piece if all of paragraphs in the two parts matched up. (ie if the 5th para in part 1 is about tennis then the 5th para in part 2 should also be about tennis)
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love the confusion of what is true and what's false and how you use the word "they" in a general sense without defining who "they" are. However, there are many pronouns used throughout the piece where it is unclear what noun the pronoun is referring to. This makes it hard for the reader to follow what you are talking about. This hinders the reading of the piece.
Examples:
Para 3 - "could never own one" - what is one
Para 2 - "no body" - is this peo. in the movie or watching the movie
Para above "Now, the truth" - in the piece it says "we believe you they say" but before this only have things you never say - what do the people believe you about?
5th para below "Now the truth" - is "he" your bro or 3rd person for yourself or...
Also, there are more places like this especially with the word "it"
I love the last 2 lines of para 7 "you are special. That my mom told me" - You keep it pretty general throughout the piece and these two small lines provide the reader with a specific emotion and relationship to hold onto. If you could add a few more lines like this (maybe when talking about bro. or cat) it would add a lot to the piece (I believe this relates to Sammy's comment about images)
I really like the point you are making in the last paragraph with what "bokonon teaches" but it would be very nice if somewhere in the piece you had a specific example of you talking - adding this personal anecdote in will help tie the piece together, add to this awesome idea, and let the reader have more images
-could also apply this to your other daoism teachings
Finally, unlike Sammy, I LOVE not knowing what is true and what is false. I read this as published piece where I do not know the author instead of a piece written by my good friend. When I read it like this, I really did not care what was true and what wasn't. I accepted and loved the mystery of it and was able to think about how sometimes in life it doesn't matter what's true and what's false and that sometimes a situation can be both
what i think are lies:
ReplyDeleteEverything I am about to say is a lie.
I throw my racquet... No one ever taught me to love my racquet.
Simple flick of the wrist, 120 mph
umm some things I think are only partial truths/unsure. but yeah.
so i think this gets a little too angsty at times, but thats just me and thats just you. so it's okay.
oh, and all of these apparent "contradictions?" upon further inspection, they often don't _really_ contradict. they are qualifications to simplified versions of the narrative gerson's trying to say, i think. they take the perceived meaning and then reverse them. similar to sammy's piece, except this one is more personal than sammy's was.
i think you handle vagueness fairly well since you are remaining vague while still having very specific, personal references to be vague with. it's integral, as i see it, to the parallel structure of the piece.
so yeah overall i think this was an okay piece. it just comes off as too maudlin for my tastes, since you tend to go too extreme and frustrated a lot of the time being like "ive always hated X" or like the general feelings of despair you return to a lot, but i guess knowing you, that's to a certain extent genuine, but to any other reader unfamiliar with you, its attributable to the silly, angsty teenager and it gets kind of annoying.
thats pretty much it. oh, and work on your grammar/spelling lol.
PS did you seriously kick your cat? if so, that is half hilarious, and half ridiculous, and half cruel.
Hmm I wonder who said to work on grammar/spelling shenanigans? Please do? I know you don't like editing but this would make the piece much more polished and therefore much stronger.
ReplyDeleteAlso I want to mention the ending again because literally every time I read this and get to the ending I realize I believed nearly everything all over again. Every time, you win. It's only when I'm being skeptical and trying to find what is and isn't true that I don't believe it all. But I do agree with Margo's point in that if this were a published piece, I would love the mystery. The fact that you can write like this and make everything so real is incredible.
PS Omar you actually used maudlin. I'm very proud. You also cannot add fractions. But I still agree with your assessment of the cat kicking.