Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Age- WW7 (TJ, Eric, Lauren, Jessie)
Walking on a path beside the road, covered by a canopy of outstretched evergreen branches the yellow scooter zooms by. My mom and I wave at him, but he races past us in a blur without even glancing in our direction. Turns out, the seventy year old was racing away from the police. In an attempt to help a woman with a flat tire on her bike, he tied the bike on a long rope to tow behind his scooter. She fell, hit the pavement with a crash and broke her arm. Debate ensued over which police department should handle this situation as the woman fell right on a county border. Police also soon discovered that the illustrious scooter man didn’t have legal license plates. When he zoomed past us without thought, without any other goal but to get home, he was fleeing from the scene. Goggles strapped tight, white helmet shoved over his round head, leather jacket and all he raced at top speed. The milk crate hanging off the back, bounced against its supportive bungee cords, jostled its belongings before hitting the home stretch.
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I like the fragments of story. I think each vignette (i feel super smart using vignette) nicely contributes to the over all feeling of remorse and fear towards your grandfather's aging. The only thing I didn't like about the separateness is that I can not tell if they are all about your grandfather. In the running from the cops section, you don't name him at all and in the Howard section you call him Howard where as the rest of the pieces where he is mentioned you call him your grandpa. I had originally figured they were all different people and the piece was a more general meditation on aging, but then in the end you seem sum it all up as your grandpa. I think that changes the whole meaning of the piece. if you call him howard, i think you should just immediately introduce him as "i hate calling my grandpa, Howard" and then stay consistent through out the piece.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are some things you explicitly state that i think you could leave unsaid. I mean this more in the sense that the piece is strong enough to get your point across, and you dont need to so blatantly point it out. such as "This aging process is scaring me." I had already gotten that message from the rest of it.
On a side note, it was my grandpa's birthday today. We used to call him and all us kids would sing happy birthday to him. I know it was my grandpa's birthday because when i got in the car my mom told me to text Papa happy birthday or i'd be the only grandchild who had not.
This is a satisfying little collage of pieces. It's quite frank, which I like, but it's also a little bit depressing. At a point, it becomes a bit repetitive, but it's not too much of a problem. I was beginning to think that right after the scene in which he falls--like, he's old, I get it-- but it immediately grabbed my interest during the next scene, the one with the golf cart. Descriptive details make the piece shine more, and I'd appreciate more of them.
ReplyDeletePutting the last paragraph at the end was an interesting decision. It seems like you could end it nicely without that and insert it elsewhere in the essay-- it would be easy to fit that in just anywhere.
A few errors early on; watch your semicolons. That last sentence in the first paragraph needs one.
All in all, a fun read. I think a little more setting would really make it go.